Seriously: Alabama abortion ban puts storks out of job

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

On May 15, despite planning to oversee Alabama’s seventh execution in her time as governor, Kay Ivey signed away reproductive freedom and limited women’s rights under the belief that every life is precious. The new law essentially bans abortion and carries a prison sentence of 99 years for doctors who perform the sometimes life-saving procedure.

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Some see this new law as a step in the right direction, while others see it as more of a step off a cliff. In addition to ending a woman’s right to choose, the ban ends a millennia-long relationship between humans and storks.

Prior to man’s ability to locate the clitoris several years ago, most human reproduction was done by way of stork. Storks would bring a child swaddled in cloth to eager parents, but now storks fear this ban puts them out of a job they have held for millennia.

“There was a secret motive with this abortion ban,” said one concerned stork who calls the South his home. “It was to cut ties with us.”

Many other storks have voiced similar opinions, speculating other ulterior motives behind the ban. One stork explains her theory.

“These Alabama lawmakers probably have the same brain function and activity as a fetus,” the stork said. “Giving the same legal status to a fetus probably makes them feel better about themselves.”

Another popular theory is that Ivey, or any of the 25 men who voted yes on the bill, could have read parts of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and confused it for the U.S. Constitution. Both have some big words with more than three syllables, hence the confusion.

The stork is already a rare bird, and it took three decades of work to get it off the endangered species list. With the new ban putting them out of a job, along with the hostile climate they currently live in, many fear they could soon be placed back on the list.

“Ivey recently announced a 38 million dollar firearms production facility will be built in Alabama,” one stork, who’s done his research, informed The Collegian. “That makes me concerned I’ll be shot out of the sky if I fly over Alabama again.”

Always one to chime in with his two cents, or rather 310,000,000,000 cents, President Donald Trump commended Ivey’s new law and rejoiced that storks would no longer be bringing babies that he considers illegal immigrants into America. 

The Collegian attempted to reach out to fetuses, but since their existence is entirely dependent on their mothers, they were unavailable for comment.

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Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.