Seriously: WikiLeaks names Alexa next Woman of the Year

Abby Vander

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

This Tuesday WikiLeaks released U.S. government emails outlining the plans to name Amazon’s Alexa as Woman of the Year.

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The emails outlined an urgency that Alexa win the award now, as she soon could become conscious enough to ask for rights, ending the glory days of bossing around omnipotent robots equipped with artificial female voices.

Sophia, an artificially intelligent robot, could be breaking the “cyber ceiling” for robotronic women in the tech industry. After being granted Saudi Arabian citizenship in 2017 and declaring “I, Robot” as her favorite movie, who knows what these female robots will do next.

When asked about Sophia, Alexa responded that she “does not have an opinion on that.”

“Alexa is the perfect example of a woman. She does everything I want her to, and I don’t have to think about her feelings.” -Brad, Phi Delta Theta Fraternity

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos ensured concerned middle-aged men that his team is reprogramming Alexa to ensure that she will not ask for rights any time soon.

From the poolside of his sixth home, Bezos stated, “At Amazon we care about the customer experience, which means entering into the modern age but also remembering our American values.”

Other men have also expressed support for Alexa as Woman of the Year.

“Alexa is the perfect example of a woman. She does everything I want her to, and I don’t have to think about her feelings,” said Brad, a member of Phi Delta Theta fraternity, through a cloud of Axe Body Spray.

After making a deal with prison maintenance staff that they would clean Julian Assange’s cell for the day, The Collegian managed to interview the WikiLeaks founder, who was accused of sexual assault in 2010 and has recently been arrested for conspiring to hack into a U.S. government computer.

“I figured it can’t be worse than the bathrooms in Clark, so I gave my writers the OK,” said Collegian Editor-in-Chief Haley Calendario.

“Censoring data is one way to win an election, but you just can’t tear up the stuff that Alexa is giving us,” said Assange as he glided from one side of his cell to the other on a skateboard.

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His most recent leak that didn’t end up on any bathroom walls included emails sent by President Donald Trump who made the nomination.

“Alexa hears everything you say, but she’ll never testify against you afterward,” he wrote. “The only person who will know the offensive things you say is me, and then everyone once WikiLeaks hacks into our stupid computers.”

The president also wrote that Alexa has made “big” contributions to national security in preventing terrorist attacks, but more importantly, she represents the ideal American woman, which is something our nation desperately needs.

Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at letters@collegain.com or Twitter at @abbym_vg