Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Doctors at Colorado State University have recently reported that doctor visits are no longer necessary among college students, due to the fact that calling and setting up appointments is a lot of work and kind of scary.

“Once you reach an age where your parents stop calling medical professionals and setting up appointments for you, it’s actually no longer necessary for you to visit the doctors,” reported CSU doctor Jude Ramirez. “Scheduling appointments is a lot of work, and you have to talk to some stranger that you can’t even see. That’s spooky.”

Ramirez went on to explain that instead of attending appointments or checkups, college students should completely ignore all their health problems and hope they don’t get sick.

“Let’s be honest, with the outrageous wait time at the CSU Medical Center, it’s not like you’re going to see a medical professional in a timely manner anyway,” Ramirez pointed out.

She went on to add, “Instead, I’d recommend that you hunker down, cross your fingers and pray to whatever god you believe in that no physical or mental ailment befalls you.”

“I had the flu pretty bad, and I made an appointment at the CSU Medical Center,” explained junior neuroscience major Jenna Albridge. “By the time my appointment came around three weeks later, I didn’t have the flu anymore.”

“I’d recommend that you hunker down, cross your fingers and pray to whatever god you believe in that no physical or mental ailment befalls you.”

Albridge went on to report that she “wasn’t falling for that one again,” and that “next time, I’ll just sweat it out with a couple blankets and an entire season of a sub-par Netflix original.”

“I’m pretty sure I have a kidney stone that started bothering me sometime last semester,” explained sophomore business major Richard Howell. “I think my appointment is scheduled for sometime in May, but I’m not entirely sure. It’s been so long.”

Howell went on to report that, given the recent announcement that visiting the doctor is no longer necessary, he may scrap the entire appointment altogether and hope he passes the stone on his own.

Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham