Seriously: California students demand In-N-Out in LSC

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – It’s no secret that Colorado has been slowly invaded by Californians over the years. This surge of people with sun-kissed skin so hot it would melt your popsicle have brought some interesting byproducts with them.

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Local Vans stock has skyrocketed and “health” food stores like Whole Foods and Sprouts have reported a growing customer base. Colorado’s transition from the mountain state to East California is now getting expedited, as Colorado State University students from California are demanding an In-N-Out Burger be put in the Lory Student Center.

“I just need some place to help me feel more at home,” said Mateo Barkley, a sophomore who hails from the Thousand Oaks area. “I messed up my Vans walking to class in the snow the other day. I think CSU owes me an apology and an In-N-Out.”

This same sentiment is shared by most other CSU students that consider California home. Junior Noah Leinart expressed wishes that these demands had happened sooner. “Whenever I’ve wanted a burger in my three years here, I’ve had to get Carls Jr.,” Leinart said with a shudder while wrinkling up his face. “I don’t know how you guys live without In-N-Out.”

Many lifelong Colorado residents in the Fort Collins area find no issue with Carls Jr. and are happy to munch on a western bacon cheeseburger for dinner. 

“The character of our community is changing. I feel it whenever I see someone roll through a stop sign and with proposals to charge for grocery bags. We can not cede this burger joint to them. Not only does it compromise our way of life, but the fries suck,” one Fort Collins native said regarding the proposition.

While In-N-Out fries may leave a bad taste in some people’s mouths, it’s the Californians themselves that some residents just can’t stomach. This demand for a change of the LSC’s culinary scenery was the last straw for native 3rd year freshmen Miles Powell. An avid Trump supporter, he believes the border wall should extend through the California state borders.

“We should also try and stop the flow of the Colorado River to California,” Powell says. “They don’t deserve our Rocky Mountain water.”

“We can not Cede This burger joint to them. Not only does it compromise our way of life, but the fries suck” -Fort Collins Native

In-N-Out corporate has smartly remained quiet, yet tensions remain high between Colorado natives and California newcomers.

It’s crazy to think that a simple request can stir up so much controversy and so many accusations, but I guess that’s just the world we live in. A world where a fast food restaurant determines one’s value as a human being.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar

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