Seriously: Progressive parents let children pick their own names

Abby Vander

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS- A forthcoming group of dedicated parents is pushing the limits of individuality for their children. How are they doing this? By letting their kids pick their own names.

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Similar to how you chose your email username in middle school, these children can choose names that reflect how they feel inside.

“We are tired of putting our children in predetermined categories before they get a chance to shine as unique individuals,” said Meadow Ambrosia, head member of the Coalition of Parents and Guardians for the Individuality of Babies, Toddlers, and Children.

“We don’t want to name our kids something like ‘Chad,’ and then have to spend a fortune on JUULs and frat expenses when they go to college,” Ambrosia said.

Known for short as “Snowflakes”, or “Potheads”, members of the coalition met at an anti-vaccination rally, where they agreed that the freedom of their children warranted more attention than their health.

Members of the coalition met at an anti-vaccination rally, where they agreed that the freedom of their children warranted more attention than their health.

“There is an importance in letting children know that whatever name they feel is theirs can be theirs, because they are individuals,” Ambrosia said between slurps of her organic, free-range açaí smoothie.

Skye Quest, a member of the CPGIBTC, welcomed Collegian reporters into her home so they could see the daily interactions of her 3-year-old “self-named” child, Poopy, and the world around him.

“Let me show you Poopy’s name journey,” Quest said. The neon light from her lava lamp illuminated her face as she unlocked her family safe. Next to dozens of precious crystals and essential oils sat a stack of birth certificates outlining each of the unique name identities her son has lived with.

His first name was “EEEHHHHHAAAA.” And, then he changed it to “Kookie” (pronounced “cookie”), before finally settling on Poopy. One name to represent each of his three years of free existence.

But this freedom does not come without its challenges.

“We have spent a lot of time at the courthouse for name changes” Quest said. “It’s difficult for Poopy to be in a place like that. He’s not allowed to yell and scream when he’s in there. And, they make him wear shoes.”

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Outside the window Poopy ran barefoot, splashing freely in the public fountain behind his tiny home. Despite his hardships, Quest feels that name-changing is worth it.

“I am glad my son will never have to live in a world where he is called anything other than what he truly is — a massive piece of sh*t,” Quest emoted, looking at her son lovingly.

Poopy was still standing in the fountain, now dangling a squirrel over the water by its tail. “They really do grow up so fast,” she said, blinking through happy tears.

Abby Vander Graaff can be reached at letters@collegain.com or Twitter at @abbym_vg