Seriously: CSU is a great school, but its toilet paper situation is the craps

Marshall Dunham

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In an explosive fit of rage and disgust, multiple Colorado State University students are raising a stink over the fact that the University seems to only stock single-ply toilet paper in its bathrooms.

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“My dad pays a lot of money for me to go to this school, and don’t get me wrong, the faculty and classes are great,” said junior biology major Mexidankus Lorkohol. “But then I use the toilet paper in the bathrooms, and the whole magic of CSU just gets flushed down the freaking latrine.”

Lorkohol went on to state that quality toilet paper is a necessity for a college student, especially for a college student with his eating habits, and later argued that access to two-ply toilet paper is a natural human right.

“Look man, I get it. Colleges want to save funding wherever possible, but I drank four white Russians and ate a pizza that had french fries on it last night,” Lorkohol said. “I don’t care if CSU has to make staff cuts, or demolish their stadium and sell the property to a housing division, but toilet paper just isn’t the thing to be cutting corners on.”

“I don’t care if CSU has to make staff cuts, or demolish their stadium and sell the property to a housing division, but toilet paper just isn’t the thing to be cutting corners on.”

One woman pointed out that, with the dining options available on campus, double-ply toilet paper is practically required.

“CSU has a Carl’s Junior and a Panda Express in its LSC alone,” said sophomore communications major Lauren Matheny. “Hell, the Ramskellar serves bourbon barrel-aged stouts. Do you have any idea what orange chicken and 11 percent beer will do to a woman’s gastrointestinal tract?”

Lorkohol went on to say that CSU has some great amenities and accomplishments under its belt, but that the institution consistently fails to see where the wind really blows.

“Sure, being a highly-esteemed, award-winning University offering more than 150 degrees and existing for 149 years is great,” Lorkohol said. “But offering your students double-ply toilet paper in your campus bathrooms? Now that’s the shit.”

Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at (Twitter)