Seriously: Tony Frank wants to be friends with Kylie Jenner

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – If your name is Kylie Jenner, then you’ve had a rough couple of months.

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2018 ended horribly with rumors of beau Travis Scott cheating, and 2019 started off terribly with best friend Jordyn Woods caught smooching on her sister’s man. Thanks to these wrangles, the 21-year-old pop-culture icon and real-life Bratz doll now has some idea of the kind of stress college students are under 24/7.

Similarly, Colorado State University President Tony Frank is no stranger to being at the center of controversy. During his time at CSU, Frank has been in hot water with the press and indicted with false accusations. 

“I feel Kylie’s pain,” Frank told Collegian reporters earlier today.

“There has been some rumor going around that I’m 20 to 30 squirrels in a suit for years now, and it’s completely untrue. I’m 42 exactly.”

It is this understanding that makes Frank want to take Jordyn Woods’ spot as Jenner’s best friend. He would be a great candidate too, Frank said, as he is stepping down as University president at the end of this semester. He would have plenty of time to take Instagram pictures and collaborate on cosmetics. Frank’s famously luxurious beard would also give Kylie an opportunity to expand her brand into an untapped market: men’s grooming. 

Although he may be an anomalous choice for Jenner’s next BFF, Frank is confident in what he brings to the table as a friend. He cited CSU’s “Rams take care, Rams take action” moral code as an example of this.

“A Ram would never fake a cheating scandal or kiss your sister’s baby daddy – or at least I hope not,” Frank said.

Frank says he would bring that same mindset to a friendship with Kylie. He also made it very clear that he wouldn’t hook up with Kris Jenner or any other family members whatsoever. 

Frank’s last point in his pitch to obtain Jenner’s friendship regarded her 1-year-old daughter Stormi. He thinks he’d make a great “grandpa” figure for the toddler, and a much-needed one at that, with Caitlyn Jenner and Kris Jenner both being grandmas. 

Kylie has yet to comment on the situation, but a response is expected soon from the Kardashian clan.

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Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar