Seriously: Stapleton for more M&Ms, Polis for raisins in trail mix

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – In the most recent 2018 Colorado Gubernatorial Debate, Republican candidate Walker Stapleton and Democratic candidate Jared Polis squared off with their respective visions for Colorado.

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Healthcare, fracking, abortion, and immigration were just a few of the hot topics discussed and debated by the two candidates. Interestingly, it wasn’t their views on any of these subjects that caused the most dissension and controversy. It was a seemingly innocent question about whether or not trail mix includes enough M&Ms that sparked the most heated debate of the night.

Polis, who wants the state to play a larger role in healthcare, was first to answer. To him, trail mix includes too much of the chocolate candy, and it should be removed from the mix with more raisins taking its place. He cited this being a perfect opportunity for Coloradans to have the opportunity to build lifelong healthy habits that will reduce their chances of ending up in a hospital. 

“It is unfortunate that all too often healthcare begins and ends with a hospital visit or seeing a doctor,” Polis said. “However, if we supplement the M&Ms in trail mix with raisins, this could pave a new path for a healthier Colorado.”

Stapleton scoffed at this before chiming in with his – you guessed it, opposing beliefs on the issue. To him – trail mix needs increasingly more M&Ms, not less. Taking issue with Polis’ stance against the colorful, button-shaped chocolates, Stapleton stated that this was not the Colorado way.

“I don’t want a Colorado that regulates the ingredients in the trail mix my family and I eat while hiking in the beautiful and scenic trails our great state has to offer,” Stapleton said.

“I don’t want a Colorado that regulates the ingredients in the trail mix my family and I eat while hiking in the beautiful and scenic trails our great state has to offer.”Walker Stapleton, Republican candidate for Colorado governor

This seemingly minute topic led to a barrage of accusations that each candidate was secretly taking money from stakeholders in the trail mix industry. Polis was accused of taking bribes from the Sun-Maid company, and Stapleton from MARS Incorporated

Both have denied taking any money from each, although it should be noted that Stapleton does look like a guy who has eaten at least one Snickers bar every day for the past few years.

This is certainly the beginning of a much larger discourse and gives Colorado voters more to think about.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.