Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

With the hecticness and exhaustion that is recruitment week finally over, excitement in the Pan Hellenic community now turns to finding your “little” for upper-class members and finding your “big” for new recruits. 

The process usually sees members go on “dates” to get to know each other better and ultimately decide who is paired with who, leading to another barrage of Instagram pictures following the reveal.

As PHC Greek life is mainly composed of white people, these dates normally consist of coffee at the LSC or a Starbucks. While there is nothing wrong with a good ol’ grande no foam iced caramel latte with soy milk, it might be time to expand to more exotic locations. Here are three other options if you want to spice up your big/little dates this year.

1. The bathroom of a random house party

There is something to be said about the candid nature of drunk people in bathrooms, and it’s a domain that should extend to big/little dates. In these bathrooms, no topic is off limits and there is something about the environment that brings out the candor in people and you can really see into their soul.

Sounds like a perfect place to really get to know your new sister and potential big or little, as you’ll both be frank and open with each other. If you want to go above and beyond, chose a bathroom with a bathtub or go to a house party that only has one or two bathrooms accessible.

2. Chuck E Cheeses

Arguably more or less sanitary than the first option, may seem like a bizarre choice at first glance, but it will help prepare individuals for a cornerstone of sorority life: frat parties.

The two have a fair amount in common, as each place is where fun and bacteria collide. Both lack probably necessary adult supervision and security, both are unkempt equally shitty, and both offer several instances to make decisions you’ll ultimately regret.

The similarities between frat parties and Chuck E Cheeses don’t end there; you have a high chance of contracting some germs by the end of your visit at each place. Make sure to have hand sanitizer on hand at both.

3. Your professor’s office hours

If time is money, then college students are even more broke than they think they are. If you don’t have the time in your week for a date and talking to your professor, this option is perfect. You can kill two birds with one stone; discussing the ramifications of missing class because of recruitment with your professor while also spending time with your new sister.

Maybe you’ll be lucky and find out your professor was in the same sorority as you when they were in college!

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.