Seriously: The Stump requests pay raise

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – It has been almost a year since Colorado State football coach Mike Bobo was given a contract extension through 2022, raising his salary to $1.85 million a year, and The Stump is furious. 

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The Stump, whose legal name is Theodore Stumpson, claims the University promised to allocate some resources to give it a raise more in line with the likes of Bobo’s paycheck but has not been contacted with a new offer. 

“I’m not the f*cking giving tree,” The Stump said, eluding to the classic children’s book in which a tree selflessly give away all it has to offer to a man. “I deserved a raise before Bobo, I’ve been here longer.”

You definitely wouldn’t be going out on a limb to say The Stump is … well,  stumped by the University’s decision not to renegotiate its contract. The Stump proceded to take up the rest of the interview time roasting the CSU football coach. 

Despite its prickly nature, The Stump is extremely important to the CSU campus.

It reinforces the importance and value of free speech. Its platform inspires conversation and encourages students to speak up for what they believe in. 

The Stump is doing its job. It’s up to the University if they want to listen.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.