Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – What should have been an exciting and joyous evening for Colorado State University freshman Becky Hamilton quickly went south.
Hamilton came to CSU hoping to get involved in Greek life and went through all the rigors of recruitment week hoping to find a home with one of the many campus sororities.
Unfortunately, Hamilton received no bids from any of the sororities she had shown interest in over the course of the hectic week.
“They said I didn’t have enough followers on Instagram,” Hamilton said. “Apparently that’s why I didn’t get any bids. I guess you have to have over 1,000.”
At the time of this article’s publication, Hamilton sits at 763 followers on Instagram, following only 428 accounts herself. Many would argue that this is a suitable follower to following ratio, but the CSU Panhellenic Association disagrees.
“Generally, we look for people with over 1,000 followers,” said one recruitment coach. “Sometimes we’ll make an exception if a girl is at, like, 950 since you get a lot more once you join a sorority.”
We attempted to question her further about this practice, but the interview was cut short when she received an urgent text on her Apple watch. She proceeded to throw her North Face backpack over her over-sized shirt and took off.
This practice could be seen as a double standard, since fraternities aren’t as strict with their social media standards. Upon surveying many of the Instagram accounts of men that rushed, most featured pictures of them holding a fish they caught weeks ago and had an average of 233 followers.
Despite the situation being “beyond frustrating,” Hamilton plans on rushing again in the spring with more followers.
“I guess I’ll have to start using more hashtags and follow every guy I match with on Tinder,” Hamilton said. “I might have to go as far as to make my account into a personal blog.”
Any followers Becky receives are greatly appreciated right now. “Just don’t slide into my DMs, please.”
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
