Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins– Former Colorado State University men’s basketball coach Larry Eustachy is now working as a barista inside of the Morgan Library.

Eustachy’s shift in career paths comes after an investigation into his conduct as head coach leading to his resignation. Manager for Morgan’s Grind, Matthew Jefferson, hired Eustachy fulling understanding Eustachy’s reputation for verbal abuse as a coach.

“Eustachy brings a certain intensity to Morgan’s Grind that I haven’t seen before in an employee,” Jefferson said. “I’m just going to try and focus that energy into making coffee.”

While no longer coaching for CSU, Eustachy said he is glad the school is taking him back, even if just as a barista.

“I’m so thankful for a second chance,” Eustachy said. “I may not be on the court with my team anymore, but I’m honored to at least serve them their coffee.”

Although new to Morgan’s Grind, there have been some complaints already arising. Layla Simone tried ordering a coffee while Eustachy was manning the register.

“I tried paying with American Express and he just told me to beat it and never come back,” Simone said. 

Justin Delucy said he felt offended by Eustachy when ordering his medium, iced, nonfat, latte, with whipped cream and caramel drizzle.

“I could just hear him mutter ‘pathetic’ under his breath after I ordered,” Delucy said. “It hurt.”

New drinks at Morgan’s Grind named after Eustachy:   

The Larry (White mocha Americano with a hint of salt)

Two-time investigation (2 shot mocha)

Administrative leave (green tea latte)

Allegedly drinking with co-eds (Dark roast with tequila)

Don’t yell at me coach (flat-white with authentic CSU basketball player tears)

Even with the growing pains of this new position, Eustachy said he is just happy to have a paycheck again, despite having gained a $750 thousand settlement upon resigning.

“Having an on-campus job allows me to remain a part of the Ram community that I love,” Eustachy said. “It’s also nice that I work so close where I have my anger management classes.”

Satire writer Ty Betts can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @tybetts9.