Seriously: CSU meatpacking facility switches to kombucha

Ty Betts

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS– After receiving pushback from the student body, Colorado State University has decided to halt plans on creating a meat harvesting facility on campus. Instead, the facility will be focused on kombucha.

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CSU professor Temple Grandin, a previous supporter if the meat facility, is excited for this change.

“The livestock industry is interesting, but there is only so much you can do with it,” Grandin said. “Kombucha is the future and our school should be leading the way.”

Kombucha is a fermented sweet tea that has been rapidly growing in popularity and does not require the slaughtering of animals to produce. While the previous plans were to utilize the JBS Food Innovation Center for research and demonstrations related to meat practices, increased interest in kombucha is reshaping those plans.   

The animal systems that Grandin designed will no longer be used for humanely harvesting meat. Rather, they will be utilized to harvest a ‘symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast,’ or SCOBY: a necessary element to kombucha.

The good thing is that 100 percent of the student body is in favor of this decision. Animal science major, Justin Rodlee, said that although he was looking forward to the original facility, this one will be even better.

“I drink kombucha a lot ever since I got my Hydro Flask which keeps it cool,” Rodlee said. “I’m all for these new plans.”

CSU President Tony Frank in now referring to the the facility as the ‘JBS Super Food Innovation Center.’ Frank said he couldn’t sit back and ignore the wishes of the students.   

“We need to be a university that is resolute – one that stands firm on our commitment to the student body,” Frank said.  

The facility will also be moving in a direction that provides education on the uses of kale, acai, seaweed, and regular weed.