Satire: Fort Collins liquor store to accept RamCash

Ethan Vassar

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from the Collegians opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins– a Colorado State University student RamCard is soon to become a ticket to much more. After fall recess, students will be able to use the CSU style credit card at select liquor stores around campus.


Starting January 1, 2018, Aggie Discount Wine & Spirits will begin accepting RamCash as a suitable form of payment. Store owner Jack Morgan loves the idea and is proud to be the first off-campus establishment to accept RamCash.

Morgan had been campaigning for RamCash to be accepted at his store for about 25 years.

“I’ve always enjoyed being able to help kids experience everything college has to offer,” he explains. “A lot of times, that’s alcohol.”

With his dream finally realized, Morgan believes sales will skyrocket and benefit both the university and drinking culture around campus. Morgan also believes this is a perfect chance to outshine a CSU rival.

“We in Fort Collins are often referred to as ‘CU’s little brother’ or ‘not as cool as CU’.” Said Morgan, “I think this addition of RamCash to the party culture will make Boulder look like your grandma’s cocktail hour. Might as well call us ‘Fort Cool-ins.”

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at or online @ethan_vassar