Seriously: President Tony Frank announces removal of Cam the Ram statues

Lauren Willson

 

A statue of the stalwart Ram standing tall in the night light will soon be gone.

Editor’s Note: Seriously is a satire column, which may or may not use real names in fictitious or semi-fictitious ways. 

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FORT COLLINS– Colorado State University President Tony Frank recently announced that all statues of Cam the Ram will be removed from campus. Frank cited the statue’s as “gender exclusive” due to Rams being the title of all male sheep and goats. 

According to Frank, the decision to remove the male-sheep figures from CSU was made in response to President Trump’s recent remarks over the loss of statues and monuments in Charlottesville, VA. 

“Trump’s words really got me thinking about the significance statues can carry, and that significance is not always positive,” Tony Frank said. “Cam the Ram is a symbol of CSU’s history, but that history is not only for those who identify as male.”

Phil Fry, a children’s TV host turned zoologist, spoke with the Collegian on Frank’s statements.  “Thanks to groundbreaking research, we now know that sheep gender is very complex. We cannot just have statues of male sheep, it is not accurate depiction of the sheep population.”

President Frank says the statues will be replaced with monuments that better reflect the diverse gender identities of big horn sheep.

What these statues will look like is yet to be determined, as designers have not decided upon a creation that does not offend or exclude at least one sheep subgroup.

Satire writer and columnist Lauren Willson can be reached at letters@collegian and online at @LaurenKealani