Go home, you’re drunk

Jordan
Brittany Jordan

Ah, alcohol. It can do many things: ease a broken heart, completely erase memories, lead you to believe you have superpowers and make you look like a complete and total idiot.

Back-to-school celebrations have begun, and there are a lot of people up here in Fort Collins that have been drinking far more than they should. As college students, we know how to take partying to the next level, but what we haven’t quite mastered yet is knowing when to stop.

In case you’re worried you might be someone that doesn’t know where the line is, or you know someone that needs to learn to say no, I have compiled a list of when drunk becomes “too drunk.”

First: if you look at your phone and see that you somehow managed to call every one of your exes and harass all of the people in your contacts that you don’t normally talk to, you should tone it down a bit. When people get drunk, they get whiny. Whiny people apparently don’t take kindly to being ignored and will continue to call until they make it readily apparent that they are hammered.

Please, don’t be this person. If you decide to drink and you have a feeling that it might get a little out of hand, just put your phone away. Remember: even if you won’t remember it the next morning, they will.

Secondly: if you wake up in the morning next to someone, take one look at them, and immediately shake your head no, that’s a good sign your beer goggles were on good and tight. Alcohol can make people “scrape the bottom of the barrel,” if you will, and it’s almost guaranteed that you will regret it in the morning. Drinking way too much can make you hit on people that you would never imagine approaching if you were sober, and usually not in the way you hope for. If this happens on a fairly consistent occasion, it’s a good indication that you should either not sleep with people when you’re inebriated, or lower your expectations.

Third: if you, at any point during the evening, decide that the couch would make a decent toilet, chug some water immediately and try to sober up a little. Public urination in places that are not designed to ever be restrooms is a definite sign that it’s time to stop. First of all, if the cops see you whipping it out in public, you might have to register as a sexual offender, and you can’t cure that like you can a hangover. Also, no one needs to see what you have packing between your legs, unless someone specifically asks. Keep it zipped up there, skippy- everyone around you will be thankful.

Fourthly: if you are under the influence and are suddenly convinced that you can fly, stop drinking immediately if not sooner. No, that sixth shot did not give you wings, even if you did chase it with a Red Bull. Jumping off a balcony of any kind, no matter its proximity to the ground, is a bad idea and will not end well. That pool may look nice and refreshing, and you may not think that there is anything wrong going for a dip fully clothed, but jumping from the sixth floor balcony is considered a death wish to anyone that is not as drunk as you are.

And finally, if you have become so obnoxious that even your friends pretend like they don’t know you, it’s time to call a cab and go home. When people that you went out with try and leave you places, or somehow you find yourself alone in the living room at a house party, that is not a sign that you are a funny or entertaining drunk. It means that it’s time to try and sober up and work your way back into your friends’ good graces. No one wants to hang out with the person that is too loud, too sick or too touchy. A combination of all three is nothing but a recipe for disaster.

A good way of ensuring that you never commit any of these offenses is to keep in mind that it’s fine to drink (legally), but you don’t have to drink so much that you’re wasted. It is possible to just have a couple, and then call it a night. No, that doesn’t make you a prude and that doesn’t mean that you have to play babysitter, it’s just ensuring that you don’t wake up in the morning with regrets.

Brittany Jordan is a junior psychology major. Feedback of all varieties can be sent to letters@collegian.com