April Fools: Nickelback invents revolutionary new genre: ‘sea shanty’

%28Graphic+illustration+by+Charlie+Cohen+%7C+The+Collegian%29

Collegian | Charlie Cohen

(Graphic illustration by Charlie Cohen | The Collegian)

Nope Larceny, Licensed Shantier

Editor’s NoteThis is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Few things have ever been proven as honest and deeply factual than the following statement: Everyone loves Nickelback.

Ad

It is undisputed that, above all musicians and in fact entertainers, not one is more beloved than this most sacred of currency-themed artists, whose unparalleled genius and poetic mastery outmatches that of even William Shakespeare and the wily wordsmith “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Demonstrations of Nickelback’s exceptional control of the musical arts have been many; one must look only as far as the enriching, soulful tunes of “Photograph,” released in 2005. Their vast literary talent revived an entire generation from collapse — it is well documented that the entire world imploded in 2000, and only by the grace of those mythical Canadian legends was humanity restored. In his divine benevolence, the mysterious, ramen-haired Chad Kroeger bestowed upon humanity the gift of a meme, which is much better than some silly gift of life-preserving fire.

However, they’re now faced with their greatest challenge yet: entertaining the unwashed hordes of zoomers (Generation Z). How does one withstand the unkempt tides of chaos that are unprecedentedly awful?

As a zoomer myself, I can make no exaggeration: We are unequivocally, irrevocably, incomparably terrible. In their infinite wisdom, however, Nickelback produced by far their holiest work with the invention of a revolutionary, innovative new genre of music: the sea shanty.

Countless generations of sailors, swindlers and swashbucklers must be awash with shame deeper than 100,000 fathoms, as they all but fell short of producing any musical tradition of significance. Rockstar sea shanty illuminates all that is wonderful about the seven seas, which is obviously the prevalence of electric guitars and rum dealers.

The pioneers of the early oceans should be considered mere failures and embarrassments, as it is only natural that exploring the reaches of the unknown world is a massive disappointment without a spectacular soundtrack to go along with it.

Reach Pirate of the Collegian reporter Nope Larceny at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @PasleyNoah.