Love bombing is a misunderstood phenomenon yet a situation increasingly common for people to find themselves in. While being a form of abuse, love bombing often has easily disguised signs and deep roots in attachment style. However, many individuals who love bomb are not actually aware they are doing it, which makes one consider the motives behind such an unconscious act.
Like most things, it all goes back to our childhood and our tenderest moments with our caregivers.
In childhood, we might have received inconsistent care or experienced a lack of warmth or caregiver interest and affection. In this crucial developmental stage, our internal working model receives these messages and internalizes them, which can later manifest into beliefs like, “If my partner is mad at me, they are going to leave me,” or, “I am not deserving of love.”
“What it creates is an unhealthy attachment system for the child and affects their emotional development and can lead them to develop insecure attachment,” said Sofia Gentry, a licensed clinical social worker and social work instructor at Colorado State University.
Gentry explained that someone with a more avoidant attachment style can have their attachment system deactivated in a relationship, especially when the other person has an anxious attachment style. This is because the brain is trying to protect itself, associating this close attachment to those we had with caregivers.
“It’s kind of this back and forth between hot and cold, and (people with insecure attachment) often have a hard time regulating their emotions,” Gentry said. “So they may, you know, have that desire for closeness really quickly and engage in love bombing.”
Individuals with secure attachment do not experience the same fears and anxieties in relationships that love bombing seeks to compensate for, which could be why love bombing behaviors are seen more in people with insecure attachment.
“Getting that kind of love, people get addicted to it and endure the abuse because they know this love bombing phase is going to come afterward.” -Tasha Seiter, licensed marriage and family therapist
There is no one-size-fits-all risk factor that can predict love bombing, just as there is no single protective factor to make you immune to it. Similarly, there is no one clear indicator if someone is love bombing or being genuine.
“It’s a little bit tricky at first to identify,” said Tasha Seiter, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CSU instructor. “They’re kind of showering you with love, and it feels really good.”
People who love bomb are impacted by both past and present relationships.
“You have to look at this person’s past history and if they have been in relationships and (if) there is a lot of blame on the past relationships, and they don’t take accountability,” Seiter said. “That’s one really big warning sign that you can maybe identify, OK, this isn’t genuine love.”
Seiter said love bombing is like a rubber band; the love bomber extends themself at the beginning of a relationship to artificially speed it up while simultaneously building a good reputation.
“(Love bombers) can’t stay stretched out that long,” Seiter said. “Eventually they’re going to go back to their original size. … They want to speed up the commitment so that they can stop working so hard.”
This is often what begins the cycle of abuse. Love bombing is abuse that can act alone or be part of several abusive behaviors, and abuse changes the way our brains work — even more so when it’s presently happening.
“Getting that kind of love, people get addicted to it and endure the abuse because they know this love bombing phase is going to come afterward,” Seiter said.
Once you identify that you are in a love bombing relationship, it can seem like the only logical next step is to leave your partner, but Gentry said it can be more complicated than that.
“Everyone deserves healing, but healing requires accountability,” Gentry said.
“If both people are willing to work toward healing and accountability, there could be positive growth in the relationship,” Gentry said. “But every relationship is unique, so it depends on the severity of the situation.”
If you would like further resources regarding love bombing, Gentry suggested the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Reach Caden Proulx at science@collegian.com or on social media @CSUCollegian.
