Note: This article is satirical.

Responding to complaints on his recent and sudden disappearance, Colorado State University President Tony Frank stated in a press conference last Tuesday that he had been hiding from the poltergeist he believes is living in his house.

“And I’m not talking about the emotional ghosts of all my spurned lovers, either,” said Frank, alluding to a torrid romantic history that, though often mentioned in press conferences, has never once been verified. “These are the real deal.”

Frank confirmed that most nights he stays up until the wee hours of morning, holding a baseball bat menacingly and using a Lite-Brite — with a half-filled puppy pattern — to see better.

“The puppy makes me feel safe,” Frank stated.

“He’s tried everything,” said Frank’s wife, Fran. “Reverse-seances, exorcisms. He even hired the Fort Collins Ghostbusters, who turned out just to be three small children with a broken vacuum cleaner. They didn’t stop the ghosts, but darn it if our living room isn’t slightly messier.”

When asked why he continued to call in the FoCo GoBos, Frank said that he appreciated their entrepreneurial spirit.

“I like to support small business,” said Frank, handing a five dollar bill to a toddler wearing a three-piece suit. “They just don’t come around no more, what with all the spirits.”

“We are afraid of those ghosts,” confirmed a representative of the FoCo GoBos.

The ghosts have reportedly been influencing Frank to raise tuition, tear down campus buildings and even steal bikes.

“I tried to go against them once, but then we wound up with a new football stadium in the works,” Frank said.

The Hall Monitor-Herald is written by Lauren Funai, Niles Hachmeister, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker. Like us on Facebook. We also do weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, exorcisms, slow motion stand up comedy routines, amateur miming and professional juggle-boarding.