Larimer County’s first retail cannabis dispensary, Choice Organics, opened on April 9, and we here at The Water Closet Weekly decided it was our journalistic duty to report on this historic event as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, our secretary, California Johns, messed up the schedule and delayed our visit by a week. For this, she was immediately put on unpaid leave. We regret that this incident had to occur on Secretary Appreciation Day.

Understandably, we were a little apprehensive about reviewing marijuana. We had never smoked anything before, unless you count our grandmothers at a friendly game of shuffleboard, and we had never done anything harder than a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle. However, our fortune cookie told us “Like the meal? Get another one!“ so we decided we’d give it a go. And a hearty go we gave.

We arrived promptly at 8 a.m., hoping to be the first to get our hands on that sweet, sticky Mary Jane. However, the shop owner, Mary Jane Hyde, informed us that the shop wouldn’t open until 10 a.m. and requested that we please stop trying to cover her in honey.

All 27 of us then set up camp in our two-person tent, which we, of course, keep on us at all times in case of adventure. We spent the next two hours in that tent, suffering only two cases of frostbite and one of dysentery, a new company record.

Once the establishment opened, we were approached by a kindly, dreadlocked worker, who our sources informed us is a “budtender.”

After we forced him to pat us down so as to prove that we weren’t wearing a wire, our newest “buddy,” asked us if we wanted 1/8 of an ounce. However, being Americans who know nothing about the Communist metric system, we politely asked for two pounds and a yard.

The marijuana-cannabis-weed-plant had a pleasant aroma and a taste that reminded us of our mother’s spaghetti. The next thing we knew, we were in a Taco Bell, trying to order a Bob Marley poster with extra cheese.

For some of us, the trip was a little less mellow. Our beat reporter, Montana Jones, suffered from “Reefer Madness” shortly after ingesting the marijuana-cannabis-weed-plant. We found him later that day mooing angrily at school buses and ordering the even numbered seasons of Spongebob Squarepants.

Unfortunately, we later learned that we had not entered Fort Collins’ first legal dispensary, Choice Organic, but rather, the spice shop next door, The Organic Choice. We give The Organic Choice a solid 7.6 out of 10 for its zesty, but not precocious flavor.

The Water Closet Weekly is written by Niles Hachmeister, Patrick Hoehne, Chris Vanjonack and Andrew Walker and can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com. Look for the WCW online at waterclosetweekly.com. The .gov was removed due to allegations of fraud.