This fictional column is Based on the Ramtalk: “I just saw a spider in my bed. I must leave everything and move out immediately.” — Originally in Nov. 2 Collegian

Mass hysteria ensued in the bedroom of local CSU grad Ian Breenen earlier this morning as a spider was spotted on his pillow.

The spider, a native Western Widow, reportedly crawled from the deepest shadows beneath the bed onto the pillow of Breenen while he was sleeping. In a dazed stupor, Breenen awoke frightened and fell from his bed while simultaneously dampening his pajama bottoms.

“D-d-d’you see that thing?!” Breenen said. “It has to be at least 3 feet wide! Holy mother of pearl!”

Breenen had just finished watching “Arachnophobia” a few nights ago and has been deathly afraid of arachnids — namely spiders — ever since. His phobia is not uncommon.

In a recent survey, 98 percent of CSU students reported seeing a spider in the last month, and of that 98 percent, 95 percent reported urinating in their slacks or trousers upon viewing the eight-legged arthropods.

Some people, however, are not fazed by the presence of spiders. Local spider enthusiast, Spiderman, was not at all surprised by Breenen’s reaction. He blames it on pop culture.

“You know, there is just a bad rap for most arachnids out there. I mean sure, they can be scary, but they are really just our eight-legged buddies,” said Spiderman. “I think that the media shows spiders in a way that is unfair and that targets the poor creatures.”

Breenen, however, is not sold on this idea.

“Poor creatures?” Breenen said. “A poor creature is a female arctic fox who is a starving single mother trying to coax her young out of the den for the first time. That, my friend, is a poor creature. Spiders are death creatures with no morality.” Breenen went on to say that his best friend, Ricky, was bitten by a spider in grade school and was never seen again, but that may have been because his family moved to Minneapolis.

The spider on the pillow could not be contacted for any further comments. It is suspected that he is lurking somewhere nearby.