Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Now that photography has moved out of the dark age of film cameras and into the simplicity of the digital and smartphone era, photographers are becoming more obsolete than ever before. As a photographer by trade, I believe I have more than enough authority to speak to the fact that I, myself, am in an antiquated and dying profession.

Much like ice harvesters were put out of business by refrigeration and freezers, I am being put out of business by smartphones and the all-too-easy-to-use digital cameras. My inadequacy is proven every day when I scroll through Instagram, Twitter and my grandma’s Facebook. 

Digital cameras are super simple to use and quite frankly should not be something intimidating for those wanting to push me out of my job. Cameras now are so automated that you do not even have to worry about complex terms such as aperture, shutter speed, white balance or ISO.

These aspects of a digital camera have zero input to the success of your picture, and as long as you have a nice expensive camera (or an iPhone), you will have Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs. One thing that is absolutely critical to remember is that the idea of the professional photographer is a facade. Taking the grainiest photo known to man with your Android at a professional football game is the same as taking a photo with a Canon EOS 5D with a 400mm 2.8 lens.  

With the ease of photography having been defined and the meager need for photographers laid out, here is what I suggest to the world: When you have an important life event such as a wedding, DO NOT hire a photographer — do it yourself; it’s easy!

If you really want to remember your child’s first birthday, your brother’s graduation from college or any other crucial event in your life, remember how easy it is to take those memories into your own hands. If you are interested in having professional portraits to help secure that big job, do not waste your money having a photographer take them. Set up your iPhone on selfie mode and stand in your kitchen — it will basically yield the same results as studio lighting and backdrops.

Professional photographers only complicate every scenario they are in with their pseudosophistication and antiquated obsession with a dying trade. At the end of the day, I believe myself to be the only self-aware photographer on earth, and I feel my time is over. I am a warship returning to port for the last time, being replaced by my mother, who finally learned how to not take pictures in selfie mode. 

Reach Pirate of the Collegian Piratish Lambino at photo@collegian.com or on Instagram @lukemcduff.