Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Colorado State University announced it has applied for a license to convert an on-campus coffee shop into a recreational/medical cannabis dispensary.

Morgan’s Grind, a beloved purveyor of disappointing coffee located in Morgan Library, will be closed for a months-long remodel over this year’s summer break.

“Colorado State University is once again breaking new ground by becoming the first federally funded university to completely piss in the face of the rule of law,” said Kevin Dewey, general manager of Morgan Library. “Students interested in employment are encouraged to apply for Marijuana Enforcement Division licenses now, as we hope to get Morgan’s Grinder up and running before the end of this year.”

Dewey emphasized in a hectic press conference that possession and use of cannabis on campus will remain strictly prohibited. Customers of the new business will be encouraged to hide their purchases inside opaque bags or simply run.

“Though Fort Collins ordinance prevents dispensaries from being within a certain distance of schools, it says nothing about a dispensary actually being on school property,” said Fort Collins Mayor Jeni Arndt, also in attendance at the bizarre and violent press conference. “We’re honestly reeling from this one. I’m really scared about what on Earth is going to happen.”

Many at the chaotic and ultimately tragic press conference pointed out the library may now become a sensory overload for students with a sensitivity to the smell of cannabis. These complaints were met with a swift response by event security, whose methods are best left uninvestigated.

The event took an unexpected turn when a reporter asked why, truly why, the school is going forward with this plan. Dewey produced a scroll from his podium, and an apparition, since confirmed to be the soul of William E. Morgan, sprung forth and said, “Yes! Yes! The beating heart of agricultural commerce pumps life into the supple flesh of the youth. Go and enjoy the splendor of this mortal realm. Suckle at the teat of all that I have wrought!”

Morgan died in 2005.

This comes shortly after the announcement that Sweet Sinsations in the Lory Student Center will soon be converted to a ketamine clinic.

Reach Pirate of the Collegian reporter Hayden Harrrrley at cannabis@collegian.com or on Twitter @hateonhawley.