What Tony Frank does in a day

Ty Davis

Many of you know Colorado State University president Tony Frank is an eccentric man notorious for his long and often rambling emails. What you might not know is the full extent of his eccentric personality. I asked to sit down with him for a day to get a better understanding of the man and what he does in a day post-announcement of stepping down as CSU president. However, I could not have expected how zealous his response would be. Frank insisted I, literally, spend the entire day with him from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. I assured him this was extremely unnecessary, but he insisted I get “the full Tony experience.”

At 6:00 a.m. Frank wakes up and immediately smokes a bowl he packed the night before. I know this because Frank insisted I spend the entire night waiting in his room. I was completely convinced I was going to be murdered. After he finishes the bowl he then rushes to grab his laptop to quickly type out an email.

Ad

From there, Frank tells his Alexa to play Richard Wagner’s “March of The Valkyries” through his house speakers while he jogs to his kitchen and punches the air. Frank proceeds to crack four raw eggs into a blender and mix it with two beer cans. Then he chugs the entire thing in one go.

By 7:00 a.m. Frank enters his garage where he throws deuces to a poster of Bruce Lee before tying an American flag bandana around his forehead. He plays Motorhead from a Bluetooth speaker while practicing nunchucks and hitting a punching bag. He proceeds to do this for about an hour.

From there, he invites a couple of younger guys over to his house for almost two hours of party drinking games. None of them would say, but I assume they were students, as many of them had what appeared to be newer fraternity clothing on. They all tried to be enthusiastic and encouraging, but it was clear they were all, to some extent, uncomfortable. But Frank was unaware of this and kept the drinking games going while still trying to keep the energy alive.

By 10:00 a.m. I asked him if he should be heading to campus to begin his work for the day. He looked at me in visible disgust while letting out a long groan and dismissing everyone. He then stomped his feet back to his room and changed into a suit.

By the time he got to his office, there was a large stack of files on his desk which he promptly swiped to the floor. He slumped into his chair and played with some of the utensils on his desk. For about an hour he played the Wikipedia game, for another hour he watched decorative cake making videos, he then scrolled Netflix before deciding to watch at least three seasons of “Parks and Recreation” and “Legend of Drunken Master.”

Finally Frank headed home and immediately retired onto his custom gaming massage chair while wearing boxers and a wife-beater. For the rest of the night, Frank alternated between “practicing” Apex Legends and smoking from a four-foot bong until he passed out around 9:30 p.m. with the McDonalds he had ordered earlier stuck to his face. After learning more than I ever cared to, I snuck out the back and ran as fast as I could.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Yeehaw Junction reporter Tyson Chicken can be reached entertainment@collegian.com or Twitter @tydavisACW.