Opinion desk announces exit from the paper

Abby Vander

On Sunday, the opinion desk announced its separation from the Yeehaw Junction, formerly known as The Collegian.

Although the name change pushed them over the edge, the opinion desk has many grievances.

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“Basically, nowadays, news is just opinion anyway, so we decided we don’t need the school newspaper anymore; we are already the most interesting content,” Opinion Editor Jayla Hodgepodge said with a smirk and a shrug.

Opinion desk columnists note that there is no point in telling the truth when people in the comment sections tell them they are lying anyway.

After repeatedly battling with internet trolls in Facebook comment sections, desk members’ fingers are bleeding from copy and pasting so many links to relevant articles.

“We will be fine without them” remarked Editor-in-Chief Hilarious Candelario, trying to convince herself that it was true with shaking hands and a tear rolling down her face.

“Due to extenuating circumstances, most of them hangovers, desk members have continuously struggled to make the Sunday 6 p.m. weekly meeting time.”

Members of the opinion desk also report that they are tired of having to comply with news writing standards, such as putting an active verb in headlines even though its a “stupid” rule.

“I just want to write about squirrels without worrying about AP style,” said satirist Ethan Faster.

Due to extenuating circumstances, most of them hangovers, desk members have continuously struggled to make the Sunday 6 p.m. weekly meeting time. Once Game of Thrones starts, these issues will only become more complicated.

Everyone has heard that the world of journalism can be stressful, and nowhere is that truer than on the opinion desk. “I really struggle with self esteem now after working alongside Jayla,” said Assistant Editor Let’s McWillies. “She is literally flawless. And she can sing.”

Hodgepodge said she sees potential in her desk, and wants all of them and herself to become CEOs instead of journalists.

“We are worth more than what Yeehaw Junction is paying us,” Roaring Plunkett, desk member, said. “One time I got paid with a quarter-used Juul pod, and I don’t even smoke.”

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Despite leaving Yeehaw Junction, the desk thanks the publication for the lessons they’ve learned while working there.

“If The Collegian can leave CSU for wanting to say ‘F*CK BUSH,’ we can leave Yeehaw Junction for wanting to watch Game of Thrones,” said columnist Marshmallow Dunham.

“It’s been a wild ride, and now it’s time to move on,” Hodgepodge said. “But we will miss the fluorescent lights of the newsroom basement. We took the TV remote with us, though.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Yeehaw Junction reporter Abby Vector Graph can be reached at letters@collegian.com or Twitter at @abbym_vg