SERIOUSLY: CSU offers to pay students to stay past halftime

Forrest Czarnecki

Colorado State University students may be able to earn back their student loan debt starting next fall. The University recently announced plans to keep students in the stands past halftime, or through the start of the third period, for any CSU sporting event. 

The University will be offering $10 per quarter to each student who stays past halftime during the regular football and basketball seasons and $10 per set at volleyball games. For games where the Rams are losing by more than 30 points at the start of the fourth quarter, the pay grade increases to $25 per student, and includes an additional $15 for each friend who stays to watch the beatdown.

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Fans will also receive $10 per intramural or club sport attended.

The ambitious plan was announced after a season of nearly-empty Canvas Stadium seats during football games, low attendance rates for men’s and women’s basketball and tumbleweeds outnumbering the fans at volleyball matches.

“I just don’t get why fans decide to leave the game after two quarters,” said Billiam McWilliams, the Stadium Capacity and Fan Engagement Coordinator at Colorado State University.

“You look at teams like the Tarheels, Michigan and even the Crimson Tide of all teams, and their stadiums are bursting at the seams with fans all game long,” McWilliams added. 

Sporting event attendance by CSU students reached record-low numbers this past football season. According to some reports, at the end of the CSU-University of Hawaii game only 17 fans remained in the stands. The Rams fell to the Rainbow Warriors 43-34 in one of the most anticipated contests of the season. 

“If there’s an option to go watch our football team get steamrolled by an out-of-state school I never knew existed until now, or go get plastered with my buddies at 2 p.m. on a Saturday, I’m gonna choose the second option,” CSU junior Broseph Harper said through slurred words and massive chugs of warm Extra Gold.

“It would be pointless to go get sunburnt, pay for overpriced beer and watch us lose when I could just as easily get sunburnt and drink cheap, gross beer at a trashy day-ger,” Harper added. 

But starting next fall, students like Harper may reconsider getting hammered in a backyard after the end of the second quarter. CSU will be paying students from all majors and graduating classes to stay in the stands longer at all sporting events.

“We really hope this plan will pay off in the long-run,” said a visibly-shaken and sweating Cash Johnson, the Double Executive Financial Manager for the CSU Athletics Department. “Because if it doesn’t, then the University will be screwed, and we may see even fewer fans in the stands.” 

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

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Yeehaw Junction reporter Forrest Gump can be reached at sports@collegian.com.