CSU men’s basketball recruits golden retriever as new point guard

Austin Fleskes

Colorado State University men’s basketball is about to get paw-some. 

In an effort to increase the skill of the team, Niko Medved and the CSU basketball team recruited a golden retriever named Duke to lead the team in the next season. 

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“Everybody said ‘go to Medved’ so I knew that it was right to send Duke to play for the Rams,” said Andrew Conrad, Duke’s owner. “His skills are exceptional, and I knew that the team will really throw him a bone during practice.”

Duke, the 4-year-old retriever, was born in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, leading Conrad to believe that he had the innate skills to play basketball. Along with his skills, after the creation of the 1997 hit movie Air-Bud, Conrad felt that it was only fair that Duke had his time in the spotlight.

“Frankly, we have seen some ruff games recently, and I think that Duke is going to make a real difference,” Medved said. 

Duke has recently begun practice for the 2019-20 season and has shown exceptional skills in chasing the ball as well as being a good boi. 

While media time has been strict for Duke, in a recent press conference he expressed some of his hopes for the coming season as well as some of his concerns.

“Bark bark bark bark, bark woof bark bark,” Duke said. “Bark bark, bark growl bark bark.” 

While Medved and other players are excited to get to play with their new teammate, local CSU basketball fans are a bit worried about Duke’s ability to compete.

“I mean he’s a dog. Not like a cool dog like Scooby-Doo, just a plain old dog,” said local fan Derek Thompson. “If he can be distracted by the popcorn guy walking the stands then he shouldn’t be in charge of the ball.”

Medved addressed a number of these concerns in a recent Facebook post.

“Look, you are all barking up the wrong tree here,” Medved wrote. “This is what this team needs so we will be playing Duke as much as we can so that we can be the best team in the league, and I hope that Duke becomes a symbol for other teams across the nation.”

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As of now, it seems that Duke has already made this impact on other CSU sports teams. In an attempt to return from an abysmal last season, the CSU football team is planning to recruit CAM the Ram as their new running back. 

“Duke is all bite and no bark, and I know that he can really bring something new to the team,” Conrad said. “So let’s go Rams and let’s go Duke.” 

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

HA-HA-HA-stin Fleskes can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @Austinfleskes07.