It has long been theorized by students and residents of Fort Collins that Front Range geese are more than the average bird. Now, recent discoveries by Yeehaw Junction have uncovered a startling discovery: Colorado State University is likely secretly controlled by a democratic society of geese.
“Have you ever noticed how the geese around campus act?” asked conspiracy theorist and CSU student Darcie Stevens. “You can run at them all you want, but they’re not scared of us. Why? Because they control us.”
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Large gatherings of geese have often been spotted throughout campus for as long as Stevens can remember. She suspects they are conducting governmental meetings at these gatherings.
The geese’s presence is even felt in Old Town, where the “Spirit of Fort Collins” fountain lies. This fountain is believed by some to be an ode to the original group of geese leaders. It is even theorized that the geese’s headquarters lie beneath the fountain.
The appearance of this goose society in Fort Collins can be credited to Gurney “Father Goose” Crawford. Crawford raised the first resident population of geese in Fort Collins, which he hatched in 1957. He continued to care for the goose population until his death in 1984.
Theorists such as Stevens have reason to believe Crawford was the catalyst the geese needed to construct their democratic regime here at Colorado State University.
Yeehaw Junction reached out but was unable to contact any Fort Collins geese. When approached by our reporters, they squawked and flew away.
Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Yeehaw Junction reporters Dorito Vida and Emily Girs-chip can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @CSUCollegian.
