Campus stop sign on strike after being ignored by bikers

Delaney Allen

A local stop sign has made headlines across the city this week after going on strike. The sign, who is located at a prominent intersection near one of campus’ many dismount zones, says he has been feeling increasingly useless as the year progresses.

“It’s hard, you know, feeling worthless. I think I do a good job — I’m very visible and don’t move around too much, but when I make eye contact with a biker, they breeze right past me,” he said through sobs, wiping tears away at a recent press conference. “I feel like I can’t even fulfill the only purpose I have.”

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The sign, who wishes to remain anonymous, fears the backlash he may receive from bikers on campus. He explains that, although he is only trying to help the flow of traffic, bikers oftentimes do not like being forced to obey traffic laws.

“If there are no cars coming, I just breeze on by. It’s really not that big of a deal,” said a student biker, who also wishes to remain anonymous. “Occasionally, a pedestrian looking to cross will give me a look like they have the right of way or something, but I have places to be too!”

The striking stop sign has been employed on campus since 2006. Losing his career and employee benefits is a concern for him, he explains, but he is trying to “prioritize important traffic concerns” over his own livelihood.

“I have a degree in astrophysical sciences from Princeton, so I think I should be taken a little more seriously around here,” the sign said. “I could’ve been the first stop sign employed at NASA, but I thought traffic safety and helping to build a sense of community was my true purpose.”

The sign is unsure how long he will continue to strike. He said his cause is gaining more traction the longer he is out of commission, but that he has important medical concerns he needs to fund.

“My daughter needs a lifesaving kidney transplant, so I may be forced to go back to work soon to pay for it. It really is a helpless feeling,” he said.

More updates will be released on this story as they become available.

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece for April Fools Day. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not like reading editor’s notes are subject to being offended. No stop signs were harmed in the writing of this satire. 

Yeehaw Junction reporter Delaney Alien can be reached at news@collegian.com or on Twitter @DelaneyAllen0.