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April Fools' Day

CSU to ban bikes on campus

Mason Force

April 1, 2017

The recent increase in bike accidents and bike traffic on campus has led the University Board of Transportation Safety (UBTS) to reconsider permitted transportation option for students. After careful consideration, the board has decided that the most effective method to prevent bike accidents is to ban bicycles on campus altogether, effective immediately.

The CSU police department will no longer be providing bike registration, and instead will issue tickets to any student caught endangering the CSU population by riding a bicycle. The UBTS is encouraging students to adopt safer methods of transportation, such as unicycles, roller blades and hover boards. The president of the board, Rodger Tramway, said these methods are superior and will usher CSU into the new age of student transportation.

“Bikes were really just a terrible idea,” Tramway said. “At CSU, we pride ourselves on a safe and efficient campus atmosphere. With the new ban, we anticipate a 100 percent decrease in the number of bike-related accidents.”

The graduate department of statistics supports this claim. According to their findings, bike accidents are logically impossible in the absence of bikes.

Sophomore Susan Walking, a psychology major, believes that this move is long overdue.

“I can’t believe that it’s the 21st century and we’re still riding bikes,” Walking said. “We have so many options that don’t endanger people- I’ve been hit while riding so many times. I’ve decided to learn unicycling to protect my friends and myself from the unpredictable dangers of bicycles.”

The ban is expected to cut down on previously bike-dedicated parking space and free up room for planned first-aid stations. In addition, the existing bike infrastructure on campus can be easily adapted for non-bike transportation. Self-balancing hover-boards are already used by several students to travel between classes, and are available for purchase starting at $800. Some students have found models for as low as $200, but the Collegian recommends also purchasing a fire extinguisher.

Not all students are thrilled by the ban. David Real, a freshman engineer, remains skeptical of the potential benefits.

“Are you people insane?” Real said. “Is this some kind of joke?”

Disclaimer: Happy April 1. This is a satirical post, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictitious ways. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are fictitious events based on real people. Photos used do not have any connection to the story and are used within the rights of free reuse, as well as cited to the best of our ability. This article is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience.

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