RamTalk: Brainy and beefy

Heavy lifting
Heavy lifting (Photo credit: C.O.D. Library)

Based on the 4/26 RamTalk — “The library needs a workout room… ya know, so you can work out your school frustrations.”

Editor’s note: This column is satire, though if the library ever does add a workout room we’ll be sure to cover it extensively.

The library: A great place to study up on ancient Roman literature, progressive poetry and, oh yes, bi’s, tri’s and thighs. In a recent study conducted by the Health and Exercise Science Department here at CSU, it has been discovered that working out in the library increases attention span by 30 percent and decreases stress by 220 percent. In addition to breaking a mental sweat, students should break a real sweat each time they choose to visit the old book barn.

The CSU library has taken this news and run with it. With a low budget, however, they have been forced to use classic literature to accommodate the physical needs of their student body’s bodies. They are using copies of War and Peace as well as The Encyclopedia Britannica for the clean and jerk, Of Mice and Men provides a great running dumbbell and of course the entire World Atlas series is being used as weight for squats. Literate meat heads could not be more enthused.

Sophomore train studies major Jackwey Brocksonn is large and in charge, but enjoys a good evening read to cap things off.

“There’s never enough time to hit the gym and hit the books,” Brocksonn said. “It makes me so ANGRY! I want to be JACKED, but also SMART! AAAAAHHHHH!” He proceeded to break a desk over his knee and write about it in his daily journal.

Sophomore walking major, Mya Matews, is a raving fan of the beefed up library.

“Finally,” Matews said, “a place where I can read and smell hundreds of body odors at the same time. A true paradise on Earth.”

Although all future implications of the library gym hybrid center cannot be assessed at the moment, it is certain that CSU will indeed be the smartest and fittest campus in the nation in no time. Other schools will be envious of our brawn as well as our brains. Buns of steel, meet literary appeal.