Find love and food at Subway

Sandwich
Sandwich (Photo credit: Pabo76)

Based on the 4/5 RamTalk — The girls at Hooters may be hot, but when it comes down to it, the ladies at Subway are the real wife material.

Author’s note: I am not sexist in the least bit.

Editor’s note: This article is satire. The Collegian is not responsible for your love life. Trust me, you don’t want that.

Subway: a place to find a good sandwich, a tasty drink and… a mate for life? A new study put out by the Family Studies department at Colorado State has proven that, yes, Subway employees do make the best long-term partners. They are kind, courteous and even smell like Dijon mustard after their shift is over. What’s not to like?

Runner-up and sore loser, Hooters, was given the distinction of second best place to find a partner. The primary problem with Hooters workers is that they are greasy and smell like moist towelettes after their shifts are over. The employees were graded based on their likability, height, health, posture, foot size, birthplace and love for small mammals. Subway came out the clear winner, which comes as no surprise.

Senior women’s studies major, Krihsta Boden, completely agrees with the results.

“They can deliver friendly service with a smile,” Boden said. “Now I understand why Jared was there so much. These people are better than watching Saturday morning brunch at the Kappa house!”

Some students have even taken to working at Subway to try their luck with the formidable prospects. Junior crossword major Kile Yakis was hired about a week ago.

“Working here is awesome,” Yakis said. “The food sucks eggs, but the other workers look so hot in those visors. It’s almost too much when they wear their black Velcro shoes.”

Subway has started seeing triple the number of customers since it was determined that their employees make incredible mates. These wonderful people are the perfect addition to any household. Thank you Subway — for dry bread and incredible babes.