Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
If you’re afraid of devious, nefarious and diabolical licks, then stop reading this at once, you law-abiding marshmallow.
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On the off chance that you aren’t some scheming snitch, listen to this: Some scoundrels have been swiping exit signs by the dozen from an apartment building in Fort Collins. Let us bask in the glory of this local lick legend.
I can’t imagine how dull my fellow citizens must be if they genuinely feel threatened by the absence of these exit signs.
First of all, you have to be a rare breed of badass to get away with this much loot. Any lousy chump can snag an exit sign or two, but only true kings can dedicate a whole table to their booty like a neon contraband feast.
This level of success points to a kind of criminal genius that is embarrassingly lacking in our ZIP code. Fort Collins might never have a Riddler or a Lex Luther, but at least we have this jokester going around keeping life interesting for all of us.
I can’t imagine how dull my fellow citizens must be if they genuinely feel threatened by the absence of these exit signs. Are you telling me you actually need those things to get out of your own building? Should I hold your hand too, you inept infant?
Those signs weren’t even helpful to begin with. There can be exit signs on the fourth-floor stairwell, at the end of the second-story hallway and even on the inside of freaking bathrooms. My turds appreciate the guidance, but I’m honestly just confused.
Compulsive rule-follower and assassinator of good times Bella Eckburg argues that stealing exit signs is a “fire hazard” and that you’ll be a murderer if you condone such acts. That’s funny, I didn’t know smoke was automatically see-through.
And even if the smoke were thin enough to see through, we were all taught to stop, drop and roll in elementary school. So tell me, how are you supposed to follow small signs on the ceiling when you’re cascading down the stairs like logs over Niagara Falls?
You know what else is a fire hazard, Eckburg? That sick burn.
Also, imagine how much money exit sign merchants make — there must be thousands of signs in Fort Collins alone. Eckburg either wants us to follow rules for the sake of rules or allow the greedy capitalists to continue their parasitic practices.
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You have to realize that the entire philosophical basis of devious licks is revolutionary and proletarian in nature. The wretched masses should take their power back from their despotic overlords and refuse to follow their neon commands. Down with Big Sign!
Read Bella Eckburg’s side of this debate.
Reach Cody Cooke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @CodyCooke17.
