Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Recently an episode of “The Last of Us,” a show streaming on HBO Max and based on a popular video game with the same name, showed its two main characters arriving at the campus of the “University of Eastern Colorado,” the “Home of the Big Horns.” 

Many fans of the show speculated this was a nod to Colorado State University and our beloved CAM the Ram, and the official Colorado State University Instagram and Twitter accounts posted about the possible wink toward our campus. 

Of course, it’s clear why “The Last of Us” chose to show CSU standing strong post-apocalypse. 

It is, however, unclear why the show’s creators did not just ask to use the real name of the university. Fans still speculate it’s because the creators wanted to give the University of Colorado Boulder kids a glimmer of hope that it could be referencing them. 

The Andrew G. Clark Building has been standing since the original ice age. Pipes bursting and filling the newspaper-riddled halls with water? No problem. It’s unphased. Asbestos? Breathe it in, strong, lung-having student. 

“When you think about it, Colorado State University would make a great fortress, so it’s really no wonder a show like ‘The Last of Us’ would feature it on the main character’s journey.”

The apocalypse in “The Last of Us” is caused by a Cordyceps fungal infection, which is parasitic. The Cordyceps spores are airborne, and your lungs are already primed, baby! Also, everyone in Colorado does psychedelic mushrooms, so what’s the difference? 

CAM would slam his big horns into any zombie-like creature, and with all the construction currently happening at the Lory Student Center, we CSU students basically have a fortress. 

It would make perfect sense for the show’s main characters to settle in and stick around CSU. They could get a CAM Squishmallow and Panda Express and take in the beautiful landscape. Plus, they’d get all of this for free because the majority of us would be dead, given the circumstances. 

I’m sure I do not speak for all of my fellow CSU students, but journalism is about stating facts, and I am simply not built for the apocalypse. I will never be an apocalypse girly, and that’s okay with me. I’m not a runner or a survivalist. There’s potential for me to punch out one or two of those mushroom killers but certainly not a hoard of them.

CSU is home to multiple large, looming sculptures. Those make great vantage points for spotting oncoming infected hoards. CSU slam-dunked the COVID-19 pandemic compared to a lot of other universities, so what’s another? We’re a damn agriculture school. Bring on the mushroom people. 

The squirrels on campus are beefy in case the characters run out of food, but they wouldn’t do that because it’s dark. Once you see one, how can you really be hungry? Those little faces and tracking collars are too sweet. 

Plus, those tracking collars are made to last. Use the squirrels as spy equipment.

When you think about it, Colorado State University would make a great fortress, so it’s really no wonder a show like “The Last of Us” would feature it on the main character’s journey. 

Reach Bella Eckburg at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @yaycolor.