Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Fort Collins and riding a bike go together like CAM the Ram and game day — they simply do not exist without each other. 

In fact, the popularity of biking is so prevalent that the League of American Bicyclists named Colorado State University as one of eight schools in America to obtain a Platinum Bicycle Friendly University designation.

What is most interesting, perhaps, is the fact that students and locals continue biking well into the harsh Colorado winter season. Conditions that would otherwise sideline a dedicated bicyclist for the foreseeable future seem to have an opposite effect around these parts.

Fort Collins bicyclists embrace shitty roads and poor weather conditions wholeheartedly just to feel the polar vortex wind blowing through their hair and hopefully get that bikers’ high everyone knows and loves.

That’s right: No matter the time of day during the winter, CSU students are sure to stumble across a dedicated bicyclist attempting to trudge their way through ice and snow getting to and from class.

I have seen these psychopaths out there firsthand as late as 7 p.m. rocking a dim, useless light on the front of their handlebars in hopes of offering some sort of visual aid as they face the blizzard-like conditions. Not to mention, they are always wearing ill-fitting clothing for their arctic endeavors.  

Do not get me started on some of the choices in bike frames. No self-aware individual could possibly think a one-speed city bike is cut out for a 2-mile ride across town in 4 inches of accumulated snowfall and black ice. Yet it occurs often. 

But hey, if you want to test the laws of physics and risk your life, by all means, go for it, boss.

“As the cold Colorado winter days pass by, more and more students are arriving on campus looking like ex-professional hockey players. Even worse, they’re acting like nothing is wrong.”

Most surprising of all, though, is the recent uptick in students showing up to campus with missing teeth, seemingly as a result of ignoring poor biking conditions. 

One unlucky lad on campus fell off his bike so hard, his front teeth popped out and froze to the ground upon impact. Rumor has it his teeth may still be on campus, stuck to the concrete of The Plaza. 

Witnesses did not seem concerned either. They allegedly clapped and cheered as he gathered his mangled bike and walked on about his morning. 

Now, there is no way these two circumstances are just a coincidence, yet no one seems to be talking about it.

As the cold Colorado winter days pass by, more and more students are arriving on campus looking like ex-professional hockey players. Even worse, they’re acting like nothing is wrong.

Victims of winter bike wipeouts don’t seem disheartened in the slightest by the temporary gaps in their smiles, and best of all, they’re not the only ones.

It is said that local dentists are making an absolute killing from these dedicated riders busting up their teeth just to feel something. 

One dentist even went on the record saying she outright supported the winter riders and that this year’s surge in dental repairs has completely paid off her upcoming spring break family vacation to Cancun, Mexico.  

Clearly, there is a direct correlation between the number of bikers riding through the winter months and missing teeth. Unfortunately, all parties involved have no remorse for their actions. 

As a result, it is probably best for witnesses and bystanders to stay to the side and strictly admire these riders’ dumb bravery while we remain warm, safe and in possession of all our teeth.

Like it or not, these hard-asses aren’t quitting for snow, ice or broken teeth, so they’re definitely not stopping at our request. Ride on, lunatics.

Reach Callum Burke at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @burkec0621.