Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

Unless you’re living under a rock, you may have noticed self-care is all the rage right now. I’m not sure why it takes a social media trend for you to brush your teeth and practice basic personal hygiene, but as long as I don’t have to smell your rank body odor, I’m not complaining.

I’m a big fan of the self-care movement, and I think you should be too. Do you know who cares about self-care? Hot people. Do you know who disregards self-care? People who hate themselves — otherwise known as emos. So unless you want to be a stinky emo, get with the times and slap some cucumbers on those eye bags.

Eating the same thing every day does not scream self-care to me, but you know what does? Budgeting enough money to look extra f*ckable.”

It’s important to keep in mind self-care comes in many different forms. You may be thinking you don’t have the time or the funds to be a self-care queen. Stop gaslighting yourself, stop gatekeeping self-care and get to the girlbossing, bestie. In other words, just take care of yourself, damn it!

You’re an adult. Are you gonna keep letting mommy make all of your doctor’s appointments, or are you gonna strap on your big-person pants and have some autonomy for yourself? You’re never going to have big d*ck energy unless you start self-care.

A lot of people think self-care is all about practicing healthy, sustainable habits. That’s one form of self-care, but then there’s self-care for hot people. Prioritize. Are you going to spend the last $30 in your bank account on getting your nails done, or are you going to be a boomer and spend that money on meal prepping? I think we all know the right choice here.

After all, self-care is for the girls, gays and theys, so if you don’t like self-care, you’re literally homophobic.”

Eating the same thing every day does not scream self-care to me, but you know what does? Budgeting enough money to look extra f*ckable. Everyone knows the best form of self-care is getting that good d*ck or that gorilla grip or both — I don’t judge.

The point is, you have to define self-care for yourself. That’s the best thing about the movement. Are you going to let some old white guy define self-care for you? No. Let white men do what they do best — kiss the ground you walk on and be a physical footstool. After all, self-care is for the girls, gays and theys, so if you don’t like self-care, you’re literally homophobic. In the words of my lord and savior Paris Hilton, that is not hot.

While my arch-nemesis and number-one spreader of false information Bella Eckburg states self-care perpetuates the capitalist regime, this misses the point entirely because it fails to acknowledge new-age self-care that is not held back by outdated, cringe-y political ideology.

Ultimately, self-care means doing the things you want. Does blacking out on a Tuesday not fit the traditional definition of self-care? Maybe. But it’s a form of self-care because you’re taking a mental vacation from all the hot girl sh*t you do on a daily basis. So stop listening to the haters and destroy that liver, sis!

Throw caution to the wind, be hot and practice self-care. Thrive, stay alive, vibe!

Read Bella Eckburg’s side of this debate.

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.