This past week, chalk messages at the Lory Student Center have sparked many heated conversations at The Collegian‘s opinion desk — none of them, though, have been as polarizing as the debate over porn. So we’re taking this one to the streets to finally resolve our heated discussion once and for all. And by streets, I mean a head-to-head.

Porn is yucky, and if you watch it, you’re probably an incel. Porn is the gateway drug to masturbation, and everybody knows if you even think about your genitals before marriage, you’re automatically securing yourself a nice, cozy seat in the fiery depths of hell.

Everyone knows the only ethical sex position is missionary with deep, prolonged eye contact. I don’t know what kind of porn you’re watching, but I guarantee they’re glamorizing some pretty raunchy positions. Do you honestly think contorting your body at obscene angles is hot? I bet you get turned on doing yoga or playing Twister, you sick freak. 

I’ve seen it too many times before. These kids get hooked on the porn and then their vibe is completely out of wack. And for what? A quick rub on a Friday afternoon? You’re risking your whole future for a quick nut.” -Anthony Fauci 

Porn not only displays some pretty grotesque body contortions, but the plots are horrendous. We should not be allowing the porn industry to romanticize this terrible acting with awful plots. I’m sorry, but when was the last time you gave your pizza delivery man a blowjob? All I’m saying is I have yet to meet a single attractive plumber. 

If they’re going to make porn, the least they could do is make the plot accurate — life is not that exciting. You meet up with your Tinder match, you get your guts rearranged and you go on your merry way, never to speak to the individual again. But when do you see that in porn? 

Not only is porn gross and unrealistic, but it also causes brain damage. That’s right — brain damage. The World Health Organization recently came out with a study that suggests watching porn for five minutes a day is associated with a decrease in one’s ability to vibe check oneself.

“I’ve seen it too many times before,” said world-renowned medical professional Anthony Fauci. “These kids get hooked on the porn, and then their vibe is completely out of wack. And for what? A quick rub on a Friday afternoon? You’re risking your whole future for a quick nut.”

While my colleague Dylan Tusinski claims watching porn and masturbating can lead to an increase in upper body strength, this is a moot point. Do you know what else increases your upper body strength? Aggressively turning the pages of a Bible. You can still get jacked without jacking your future.

You’ve heard the facts. Next time you’re scrolling on Pornhub, think about the risks. 

Cat Blouch can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @BlouchCat.