Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS — With the return to campus, many students are feeling disappointed that partying will not look the same as it has in previous semesters. With frat houses closed for parties and students isolated in their individual dorms, it is possible we might be faced with the grim reality that students will not be able to party this semester.
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As devastating and shocking as this news is, there might be hope after all. There are some real, legitimate reasons to continue partying while in a pandemic.
1. You want classes to be online again
Maybe you have enjoyed the flexibility of online classes, and you like logging onto 10 different Zoom links every day only to turn your camera and mic off and scroll through social media the entire time. This might genuinely be the best form of education for you, and you want to do what you can to return to a fully online course load. If so, consistently throwing parties is definitely one way to achieve this goal.
“You’re young. you’ll probably be just fine.”
2. You didn’t party enough last year
You might feel like COVID-19 is taking away the full college experience you deserve. You might have slacked on partying last year and planned to have a full semester of going out every weekend this year; now you will not even have the opportunity.
It’s OK, partying in the middle of a pandemic is a perfectly acceptable way to blow off steam. While you may be endangering an entire campus community, you also shouldn’t be paying thousands of dollars in tuition if you’re not going to get absolutely plastered on the weekends.
3. You have no other access to alcohol
Speaking of getting plastered, it is completely possible that partying is your only access to alcohol. If you are a freshman, your access to alcohol usually comes from a friend of a friend who knows someone who knows someone who has a fake ID or a frat guy who offers you a handle at a party only for you to disappear with it.
A pandemic makes these options very difficult to access, making throwing a party in hopes people will bring liquor quite literally your only solution to this predicament. Make sure you are sharing bottles with strangers as well to add to the risk!
4. You are careless with your own health
Maybe you want to test your body and see if it has the ability to fight off a virus like this. You might be thinking, “I haven’t gotten it yet, so is partying really going to be the difference?” As sound as that logic is, the chances of you getting COVID-19 are probably higher if you throw a rager with a bunch of other unmasked college students following the same logic.
But if you are careless with your health and feel no threat from the virus, by all means, go ahead. You’re young. You’ll probably be just fine. Plus, if you contract it and accidentally give it to a stranger, you will likely be guilt-free because you will have no idea! As long as you personally are not affected by the virus, you are perfectly fine to party.
5. You have adopted an existential outlook on life
You might be thinking, “At this point, 2020 is so bad I might as well do whatever I want.” Honestly, most of us are feeling this way completely. If you have adopted the outlook that things just are what they are and in the grand scheme of things, throwing a party is the least problematic thing to happen in 2020, you are definitely not alone.
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The feeling of wanting to just go buck wild because of how absolutely horrendous this year was is a completely legitimate reason to throw a rager. Make sure to go extra crazy on Halloween and create a shared alcoholic beverage. The risk of contracting a deadly virus will really add to the scariness.
Katrina Leibee can be reached at letters@collegian.com or Twitter @KatrinaLeibee.
