Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

To suggest that we live in a society is completely blasphemous and ill informed. Throughout all of human history, there are more records of things that don’t exist, like dragons, sasquatch, unicorns and mermaids, than a society.

For something like society that seems so agreed upon, there is practically no historical evidence to suggest that humans ever lived in one. Human beings have lived in kingdoms, empires, states, monarchies and countries — but never a society.

There is no such thing as a society — only individuals interacting in their own self interests. “Society” is something that was arguably made up by incels who need something to blame for their problems other than themselves when they get rejected over and over by a female. Likewise, society is something crybaby millennials complain about when their social media post doesn’t get enough likes.

The true answer to what we live in will probably never be found, as the group responsible works tirelessly to cover up the truth.”

One does not have to look any further than the current state of the American government to see that we don’t live in a society. The 45th president, Donald Trump, has been in a peach since Dec. 18, 2019. How can President Trump be in both a peach and in a society at the same time?

I almost feel as if I am insulting the readers’ intelligence asking such a silly question like this, but the idea that we live in a society has been so ingrained in the public consciousness that even obvious facts like this require a rude awakening to understand.

Those who believe in society just need something to blame whenever something goes wrong. As ridiculous as it sounds, some people would actually rather blame some foreign concept for their problems rather than addressing them.

No, “society” isn’t responsible for your student debt; you’re just an idiot who didn’t go to trade school to learn a marketable skill. “Society” isn’t the reason your girlfriend left you for a guy named Mateo she met while studying abroad. 

Although it is readily evident that we do not live in a society, what we do live in is less apparent. There are many theories that range from simulations to shadow government control to alien intervention.

The true answer to what we live in will probably never be found, as the group responsible works tirelessly to cover up the truth. The most widely blamed groups who are responsible for these cover-ups are the Knights Templar, Freemasons, Illuminati, some form of shadow government, Scientologists, Dutch Bros employees and Chick-fil-A employees.

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.