Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – One of the most iconic and beloved images of the holiday season, the snowman, has recently come under fire. No, Frosty has not been accused of decades of sexual misconduct or meddling in elections. Rather, the term “snowman” itself can be seen as offensive.

“In all the festivities surrounding the Christmas holiday, we realized that saying snowman can be quite offensive and insensitive,” said Samantha Rankin, the head of the Fort Collins Center for Diversity and Inclusion.

Rankin and the Center identify snowwomen, children and gender non-conforming snow-beings as being excluded whenever the term “snowman” is used to describe rolled, spherical masses of snow stacked atop one another. She proposes that society has become blind to the fact that not all snow-people are male due to the popularity of the Christmas cartoon “Frosty the Snowman.”

“In the original holiday classic, Frosty is the only living snow entity, and he is male,” Rankin said. “Many people have either forgotten or are unaware that he had a wife named Crystal in the sequel, ‘Frosty’s Winter Wonderland.’”

Despite neither snow-person having distinguishable genitalia or different body shape, they identify as different genders. Thus, it is impossible to tell the gender of a snow-person purely from a visual perspective or by asking for their preferred pronouns. This conclusion was reached by Rankin and the Center, and it led them to advise against using the term “snowman” to describe all snow-beings.

Although most snow-beings are not alive or sentient, one should still refer to them using the proper pronoun. You never know when that mass of snow in your front yard could come to life one day and pummel the sh*t out of you for misgendering it.

Rankin and the center identify snowwomen, children and gender non-conforming snow-beings as being excluded whenever the term ‘snowman’ is used to describe rolled, spherical masses of snow stacked atop one another.”

The Center has also issued a warning against the “Frosty the Snowman” holiday classic because it gives a dangerous message regarding gender in general. In the 1969 holiday special, Frosty is only identified as male because that’s what the children shape him to be and tell him he is. Frosty has no agency in discovering his own gender and is at the mercy of a society that defines it for him.

“Frosty’s journey mirrors that of many in the LGBTQ+ community today that feel as if the world is telling them how to express their gender,” Rankin said. “Watching stuff like this every holiday season could send a dangerous message to young children.”

While Frosty and Crystal are far from icons in the LGBTQ+ community, if this movement gets traction nationwide, they certainly could be, just like the Babadook. 

Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or on Twitter @ethan_vassar.