Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

In a recent interview with the Colorado State University Police Department, it was revealed that nobody that skates on campus knows how to stop a skateboard properly and that students should fear for the well-being of their shins.

“It’s a huge concern all over campus,” said CSUPD officer Vincent Ortega. “If you’re a person walking on campus, it’s likely that your shins are in massive amounts of danger.”

Ortega went on to explain that each year, the chances of a skater hopping off their board and sending a speeding, wooden projectile straight into your shins increases dramatically.

When asked how skateboarders would learn to properly brake their boards, skateboarder Alex Bishop declared that “stopping is really not something you learn at skate parks, it’s more about the kick flips and ability to give dirty looks to scooter kids that cut you off before a sick trick”. 

Ortega added that the lack of understanding around the art of stopping is unfathomable to him at a place of higher learning like CSU. He later added that, usually, a person who has even the slightest amount of common sense or intelligence can figure out that the most logical way to get a skateboard to stop is by pressing down on the tail of the board and using the friction created between the board and the concrete to slow down.

“I mean, Christ, it’s completely avoidable,” Ortega exclaimed. “It’s just a basic responsibility that comes with operating these projectiles. Do you think any good public service officer would operate a stun gun without fully understanding how to make it stop?” 

He then offered a few tips for keeping one’s shins safe.

“Its just a basic responsibility that comes with operating these projectiles. Do you think any good public service officer would operate a stun gun without fully understanding how to make it stop?”

“Some of us have just taken to wearing shin guards at all times,” Ortega said. “The other option is if you see someone with a Justin Bieber haircut and a Thrasher hoodie, just sprint the hell out of there as fast as you can.”

Ortega went on to say that, in an effort to combat the emer-shin-cy, the CSUPD is actively recruiting moms to get into verbal disputes with the skateboarders.

“Everybody knows that a skateboarder’s arch nemesis is the soccer mom,” Ortega said. “Their quest for fairness and order really makes them a natural enemy of the skater culture.”

“Look man, hitting people’s shins is a necessary evil,” explained Bishop. “Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to scuff up my Vans just to save a few shin bones.”

Marshall Dunham can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at @gnarshallfunham