Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – One lucky Colorado State University student joined the soon-to-be-no-longer University President Tony Frank on an all-expenses-paid ultimate spring break vacation. Frank used some of the unused student fees found from a recent expense report audit done by ASCSU — some $50,000 — to take a student on an unforgettable spring break extravaganza. That student is junior Nick Wilde.
“Initially I thought it was pretty weird, and I was apprehensive,” Wilde said, recalling his thoughts when he was announced the winner of the raffle. “But then I realized that I don’t have rich parents to pay for a spring break trip, so I said ‘F*ck it.'”
Frank and Wilde spent their lavish spring break trip in Miami Beach, Florida. According to a U.S. News travel guide, Miami Beach is the number two best spring break destination in the world, best nightlife scene in America and the best place to visit in Florida.
“I chose Miami Beach for two reasons,” Frank said. “Firstly, I am too afraid Trump might build his wall on the Mexican border while I am there, and then I can’t get back to the states. Secondly, Girls Gone Wild said Miami Beach has the hottest girls.”
While there is no confirmed source, it is rumored that Frank’s wife, Dr. Patti Helper, gave her husband a hall pass for the week. Wilde himself is painfully single, so the two were certainly on the prowl.
An estimated $15,000 of the recently-found leftover student fees were used on Frank and Wilde’s trip, covering airfare, a hotel and charges for getting into the area’s hottest clubs. Some might consider this an exorbitant amount to be spent on vacation, but at one point, it was higher.
“At first, we had a huge hotel suite with two king-sized beds,” Frank recalls. “To lower the price, I booked a room with only one bed. I have already called dibs on being the little spoon.”
While both Frank and Wilde enjoyed their spring break extravaganza, the same cannot be said for literally anyone else at CSU. Many see this as a wildly unprofessional allocation of student fees and the whole trip inappropriate in general.
“Taking someone half your age on a trip? Isn’t that stuff that sugar daddies do?” voiced one disgruntled student.
Regardless of criticism, Frank and Wilde enjoyed their time greatly and will remember it fondly for the rest of their lives.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
