Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS- The free condoms given out by the Colorado State University Health and Medical Center are a help to many of the university’s broke college students. The Pi Kappa Pot Pie fraternity estimates that the Health Center’s condoms have saved their members over $5,000 in the past year alone.
Some students go as far as to say that the condoms given out by the Health Center were a deciding factor in their choice of college.
However, one student is not enthused with the portion of their student fees that go toward the free condoms. Junior Andy Stitzer requested that CSU reimburse him the portion of his student fees that went to the condoms because he has not had sex in over a year.
“The last time I had sex, weed was illegal in California and Chris Christie was still governor of New Jersey,” he stated.
While Stitzer has yet to confirm the last time he got lucky, it has been theorized to be around December of 2017. This demoralizing dry spell has not been for lack of trying however.
“I’m a nice guy,” Stitzer said. “I hold the door open for girls, I respect women and I have even shared study guides via Google Docs a few times.”
“I want students who don’t fornicate that often to at least know how much of their student fees go to helping others wrap it and tap it.”
He has paid for Tinder Plus and Tinder Gold, yet no opportunity for coitus has presented itself. While he doesn’t expect the University to pay his Tinder bills, Stitzer hopes they will grant him a “fair and reasonable” reimbursement for his student fees that went to free condoms.
This is not the first time the free condoms given out by the Health Center have come under fire. Some point to the absurd amount of money CSU spends on condoms as a reason why the Clark buildings have continued to be left in such a poor state, with traces of asbestos being found last semester.
“Would you rather have a kid or have mesothelioma?” one University representative offered when questioned on the matter.
It has been speculated that the Associated Students of Colorado State University spends over a fourth of the $57 million of student fees they see on condoms. Stitzer hopes that his efforts can at the very least expose this massive amount of spending.
“I want students who don’t fornicate that often to at least know how much of their student fees go to helping others wrap it and tap it.”
An investigation into ASCSU’s condom purchasing may be underway; We at The Collegian will keep you updated.
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar
