Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – Members of the Grace Christian Church have begun using puppies in hopes of luring students into discussing their religious beliefs with them. These apostles are nothing new to Colorado State University. They can be identified by their similar attire: a baseball cap, cargo shorts, dad sunglasses, and athletic shoes. Now, puppies can be added to the list.
The puppies will act as bait, luring in students who want to pet the good boy or girl with their cuteness. The apostles are hopeful that these dogs will encourage religious discussion across campus.
“We hope that students will be more enticed to talk about Jesus after they’ve just pet a dog,” said one apostle. “Dogs are arguably God’s best creation.”
It is a widely accepted fact that dogs are arguably the best thing on the planet and one of the most exciting things in college. Seeing a dog on campus can relieve the stress from a failed test or from a parking ticket CSU gave you. Additionally, a dog can distract you from the pain of being left on read. Dogs are overall a comfort to see on college campuses.
It is this sentiment that encouraged the idea of using puppies to spread the gospel.
“A lot of times we have to tell people that they’re going to Hell and I imagine they get pretty shaken up,” another apostle explained. “The dog can comfort someone after we tell them that.”
The church was no doubt inspired by Pope Francis’ announcement that puppies are disciples of God. Since they bring so much joy to all, specifically white girls, and are so pure they can only be a servant of the lord.
“We definitely agree with what the Pope said. Puppies give the world so much love and we want to help them spread it at CSU,” an apostle said.
An increase of puppies across campus is the most exciting thing to happen to CSU in years. This development really put the new trash and recycle cans to shame. Even university president Tony Frank has chimed in on what a great idea this is.
“This whole time I thought a new stadium was what CSU needed. I’m such an idiot,” Frank wrote in an email to students. “I should have figured out CSU just needed more puppies.”
Why it took so long for someone to realize this is anyone’s guess. Here at The Collegian, we’re just happy someone finally figured it out.
Satirical Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online at
