Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
FORT COLLINS – The soon to be former Colorado State University President Tony Frank’s latest long-winded email informing students he would be stepping down from his position came as a shock to many. His resignation was certainly surprising, but his next move is out of the blue.
After talking with Collegian reporters after his Fall Address, Frank let it slip that he resigned in order to pursue a career in line with his latest passion: Fortnite.
“Ever since season 3 came out in February, I’ve been questioning what I’m still doing here at this school,” Frank explained.
Frank credited much of his aloofness and lack of campus engagement last year to the game, specifically, attempting to obtain The Reaper battle skin.
“I really liked the facial hair on that guy. Almost as good as mine, it was like they made that skin just for me!”
He now realizes that is “futile” to pretend that he can be both a university president and Fortnite streamer at the same time.
In addition to creating quite the buzz around campus, Frank’s interest in pursuing a future as a professional Fortnite player has garnered some attention from the big names in the industry.
“It’s great to see people with an academic background taking up the game,” said popular streamer Ninja, who will grow a goatee in Frank’s honor this month. “It goes to show that Fortnite isn’t just for teenagers and virgins.”
It certainly isn’t, and going forward Frank’s emergence in the gaming community may inspire other academics to realize how fun Fortnite is. Specifically, Frank hopes that those working in his office will see the merits that hours of playing Fornite can provide that a college education can’t.
“I got all this sh*t from Blanche Hughes and Rick Miranda about my Fortnite habits, and I can’t wait to show them they were all wrong to doubt me,” Frank said before falling into a fit of maniacal laughing.
Frank’s resignation is a certainty, but Fortnite fame isn’t, so we at The Collegian wish Dr. Frank the best of luck!
Satirical writer Ethan Vassar can be reached at letters@collegian.com or online @ethan_vassar.
