Editor’s note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read editor’s notes are subject to being offended.

FORT COLLINS – This weekend CSU suffered a big loss against Hawaii in its first game, setting up a disappointing outlook on the rest of the season.

This is the team’s second season in its new $220 million dollar stadium, and some are concerned that the new stadium is not enough to fix the morale of the community. Even with the new state of the art facilities, some are worried it still won’t be enough to boost the team’s performance. Some in the football department are calling for construction of a second stadium to begin immediately.

The plans for the second stadium were accidentally released over the weekend, when an announcer at the game forgot to turn off his microphone in the coach’s office.

An unidentified voice could be heard saying, “Well once they get wind of the newest stadium plans, all the attention around us losing will be gone.” The unidentified voice was allegedly Mike Bobo, but he could not be reached for a statement. 

Reporters later confirmed with President Tony Frank that there are in fact plans to construct a new stadium where the library parking lot currently stands.

“CSU offers a variety of transportation and parking options, so getting rid of the central campus parking lot seemed the most logical. Most of our students bike to campus anyway. We feel a second stadium is crucial for the development of our community,” Frank said.

The second stadium is expected to be funded with student fees, donations and a campus-wide blood drive where students are encouraged to donate their blood for wholesale on behalf of the University.

“We came about the idea of a blood drive when someone on the planning committee said ‘it’ll take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get this second stadium and the victories our team needs desperately,’ and I thought that was a great way for students to contribute,” Frank said.  

Parking services also released a joint statement in a campus-wide email. “In order to account for the decreasing parking spots, we will be increasing the cost of parking permits across the board. We understand some students may be disappointed, we hope the community can see the value of a second stadium.”

Jayla Hodge can be reached at letter@collegian.com or on twitter @Jaylahodge