Editor’s Note: This is a satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. April Fools’ Day articles are a long-running tradition at The Collegian and are for entertainment purposes only.

What student doesn’t love a hearty breakfast accompanied by a side of dubstep? Not a single one. Well, that was the conclusion reached by the managers of the Ram’s Horn Dining Center on the Colorado State University campus.

While it began as just a traditional dining center, Ram’s Horn has evolved over the years into a prime location for less traditional music to have its time in the spotlight. Managers have sneakily been allowing up-and-coming artists to submit their music to be played before a captive audience.

Since this change, the phrase, “Hey, check out my Soundcloud” has become obsolete and replaced with the much more relevant, “Hey, listen to my techno remix of Oasis’ ‘Wonderwall’ against your will at 7 a.m. breakfast.”

These changes to their mealtime soundtrack haven’t gone unnoticed by students.

“Yeah, I was wondering why I haven’t heard the original version of a song in eight months,” said Herbert Burton, CSU first-year.

Allowing rookie, experimental artists to show off their stuff isn’t where it ends for Ram’s Horn. This morning CSU sent out an announcement revealing their master plan to transform the beloved dining hall into an on-campus rave spot.

“We already make and serve our own beer on campus,” the announcement read. “Why not make it more rowdy?”

“The university has attempted to ease worries by claiming these students will still keep their jobs but will be given new responsibilities and titles such as ‘Trip Sitter’ and ‘Vibe Checker.'”

As the fermentation sciences program students brew beer for Ramskeller Pub & Grub, the university will be utilizing the apparel and merchandising program to create an assortment of neon-colored party wear for students to wear at the new Ram’s Horn. Just because you are coming from calculus doesn’t mean you can’t dress like you’re on your way to the club.

“I just finished ‘Euphoria’, so I think I know what I am doing,” said Kate Murphy, a sophomore enrolled in the program.

This means the university may fully rely on student labor to make merch under the guise of calling it a learning experience and privilege given to them so they may work toward a degree. The students’ creations will be sold at the new Ram’s Horn at a 2,000% markup, allowing the school to afford the electric bill to keep the Canvas Stadium jumbotron turned on 24/7.

Even though these plans for the future of the dining hall seem extremely well thought out, there are some worries about the effects this change will have on current Ram’s Horn student employees. The university has attempted to ease worries by claiming these students will still keep their jobs but will be given new responsibilities and titles such as “Trip Sitter” and “Vibe Checker.”

These changes will gradually be implemented, beginning with a construction project planned to overhaul the interior and add more lasers. These new construction efforts will unfortunately divert funds away from the Andrew G. Clark Building renovation, which is predicted to be delayed until the fall of 2037.

Before these major changes begin, Ram’s Horn will remain a dining hall for the remainder of this school year, so students don’t have to worry about missing out on any bangers like Skrillex’s “Bangarang” (the 10-minute version).

Reach Samy Gentle at entertainment@collegian.com or @csucollegian.