Note: This column is satirical.

Following disturbing new allegations put forth by the United States Justice Department, it seems as though another important American public figurehead isn’t exactly who they claim to be.

Captain Cornelius Crunch, or as he’s known in popular media, Cap’n Crunch, was arrested late Thursday night on three charges of criminal hubcap theft and two charges of online music piracy.

Governmental agencies have been keeping a very close eye on Crunch ever since the incident of KFC’s Colonel Sanders attempting to smuggle Canadian chickens across the border. It’s common knowledge that Crunch has a record, but the extent of his crimes is just now being uncovered.

To some who have personal experience with Cap’n Crunch, the allegations hit all too close to home. Senior placebo film studies major and jumpsuit aficionado, Stephen Acobs, recounts his first encounter with the Cap’n.

“I just remember thinking to myself, this isn’t right,” Acobs said. “Crunch had hired me to formulate a cereal recipe that would scrape up kids’ mouths across the globe. Then, he could use his dentist business to charge them incredible sums of money to fix the damage that he had caused. I hope they put him away for good this time.”

Although Crunch has yet to see the inside of a courtroom for the atrocities he has committed, the military has responded swiftly. In punishment for his dishonorable actions, Captain Crunch has been demoted from Captain to Private. As for his cereal, I’m sure kids will be more reluctant to eat a box with the words “Private Crunch” scrawled across the top.

Private Crunch is currently out on bond of 20,000 Crunch Berries, and his trial is scheduled to begin sometime this fall.

Dave’s Marketplace Contributor Davis English can be reached at entertainment@collegian.com.