Editor’s Note: All opinion section content reflects the views of the individual author only and does not represent a stance taken by The Collegian or its editorial board.

“If he wanted to, he would.”

We have all heard this adage on social media platforms. People comment on an Instagram post about a boyfriend not buying flowers. A TikTok user tells her loyal followers to dump their boyfriends who aren’t doing enough.

“If he wanted to, he would” is not the blanket statement it is being used as. It ignores, overlooks and excuses many things that are crucial to a relationship.

Feasibility

Sometimes he wants to, but he cannot. There are many things I want to do in the world that I lack the ability to do. Sometimes he is broke and cannot afford a bouquet when struggling to buy groceries. But if you were to follow the advice of “if he wanted to, he would,” people would tell you to dump him, claiming that he is not showing up enough for what they deem “interested,” and is therefore not worth your time. The saying overlooks the physical and mental capabilities of what someone can achieve in favor of what someone else wants.

Heteronormativity

This phrase is directed almost exclusively at straight women dating straight men. I take issue with a couple of things. For one, it places all the effort on the man while blaming the woman for staying with him. That is not a healthy relationship dynamic. If one person is giving all they can and their partner is parroting that it is not enough, the relationship will implode.

At the end of the day, this phrase places power in the man, positioning his wants and efforts in a relationship as more important than those of his partner. Even if this occurs in someone else’s relationship, telling the woman, “if he wanted to, he would,” is not the way to bring this up. It is smug and condescending. It is another chain in the misogynistic logic that a woman is not capable of thinking for herself; she needs someone else to tell her that a man is not interested.

Communication

Of course, the most fatal flaw in “if he wanted to, he would” is that it totally ignores and excuses any lack of communication between partners. The phrase most often applies to giving gifts and acts of service — buying flowers, doing the dishes and making dinner. It also implies that a man should just know he’s expected to do these things; he does not need to be told because he should want to do them. If he does not do them, he must not want to do them.

Instead of asking him to make a romantic dinner or expressing your interest in flowers, “if he wanted to, he would,” allows you to expect them with no prior indication of want, and then stew in your anger if your partner does not do it. They cannot give you what you want if you do not ask for it.

I have no doubt that “if he wanted to, he would” started out as something with good intentions. I am sure that it has helped a few people over time. Unfortunately, it has warped the relationship and put all the focus onto one person, both in terms of what they want and what they are expected to do.

As Jenny Singer from Glamour wrote, “The question that you can best address is: What do you want?”

Focus on what you want and communicate that to your partner. They cannot read minds.

Reach Audrey Weishaar at letters@collegian.com or on social media @RMCollegian.