Editor’s Note: This is a satire piece from The Collegian’s opinion section. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended.
Bikes and their riders are a common sight on the Colorado State University campus. The bike racks are always full, sometimes so full that people lock bikes onto other bikes. Almost everyone has a story of nearly being run over by a bike.
If you’re not a cyclist on campus, you may feel out of the loop. Being a pedestrian can feel ostracizing sometimes; you can’t get to class as quickly, and you might become a general nuisance to other pedestrians.
But I am here to tell you that you’re not missing out on much. Recent insider information reveals that the cyclists at CSU have formed a secret society. I got an exclusive interview with a member of this secret society, and for their safety, they have chosen to remain anonymous. I will call them Terry.
“We meet in the basement of The Spoke,” Terry told me. The Spoke, the on-campus bike shop in Laurel Village, is the perfect spot for campus cyclists to meet. It is close and easy to access for anyone biking. It’s also far-removed enough from the LSC and other classrooms as not to raise suspicion. The meeting time changes, so I’d advise against trying to find these meetings. The Spoke workers will not help you — as Terry said, “Not all the employees are members.”
The society’s numbers are unclear. With the number of people who show up fluctuating every meeting, it is impossible to get an accurate headcount. My source estimates that about 100 people show up to each meeting, though there are nearly 2,000 registered members.
“We have no physical marker of being members,” Terry said. “But there’s a secret handshake we all do to enter the meeting. If you screw it up, even a little, you aren’t allowed in.”
This society is not just meant to befriend other cyclists; it also encourages its members to be a menace on campus pathways and roads. Have you ever been walking from Clark C to the LSC and almost been run over by a bike trying to ride through the crowded walkway? Or perhaps you were at a stop sign, ready to leave campus for the day, when a cyclist ran the stop sign without even looking? Those were probably members of this secret society. Members are incentivized to ride like this for rewards.
“We have a punch card,” Terry said. “Every time we almost hit someone or blow through a stop sign, we get a point. 10 points gets us a sticker.”
Actually hitting a person, a car or a pedestrian earns them some sort of accessory for their bike. Terry currently has a water bottle holder, though he wants to get a color-changing light. Bike-on-bike violence is strictly prohibited, however. It’s even punished. Punch cards are taken away from members who hit another cyclist for an entire week. Any close call or hit is not counted, and no reward is given. Members hold other members accountable.
This secret society explains the behaviors of bikes on campus. Terry would like to remind members that the society is looking for an official name. Please do not harass campus cyclists, as not all of them are inundated in this society.
Reach Audrey Weishaar at letters@collegian.com or on social media @RMCollegian.
